Monday, June 6, 2011

I seem to be all over the place emotionally

I have been struggling a lot with being quite depressed but I am fighting hard against it. Forcing myself to do things when it's the last thing I feel like doing. But my daughter came here for the weekend so I really pushed myself to be "normal". It was a struggle but I think I managed to fake it enough that people thought I actually was "normal". My brother and sister-in-law came over Sunday and my brother put in my window air conditioner unit and my sister-in-law did my 2010 income taxes for me. Turns out I only owe $1,991.59! That fucking depressed me so much I wanted to jump off a bridge. And I'm not being sarcastic,... I really did want to jump off of a bridge. I'm so sick of financial problems and all my debt! But because my daughter and my brother and sister-in-law were with me and they were all so cheerful and happy and helpful to me I just sucked it up and pretended "whatever,... I can pay it, big deal,..." (Huh, if they only knew this is just the last fucking straw!!) But, I forced myself to put it out of my mind and concentrated on trying to be "normal"

I can't tell you how I'm doing right now because I don't know. Some days I think "Yeah,... I'm trying so hard and I'm really beating this bloody 'Black Fog" and feel better about myself because of it. But then things like yesterday happen and i just tank. I literally plummet into despair. This tax debt has made me do a 180 and today I feel totally depressed and feel like I have no future at all except debt and money problems. I am fighting this feeling though and I did go on an hours walk but even after that I still feel shit. My emotions are all over the place. One hour I'm thinking don't worry about money ~ it's only money and life goes on,... but the next hour I'm thinking I'm sick of the debt and living in poverty and just can't do it anymore.

Why are my emotions so erratic? And why can I handle life's problems some days but totally feel despondent the next? It's really tiring living this way. I know I am weak and I don't handle stress at all and I just fall apart trying to deal with life's issues. But WHY am I so weak? Why can't I just be like everybody else and have a healthy brain and live a normal life where thoughts of jumping off of bridges never even enters my mind? Maybe I'm just having a bad day,... Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and think what was the big deal and why was I freaking out and having a total anxiety melt-down,.... But that's the problem. I never know what tomorrow will bring for me. I can't seem to control what my emotions will do and how I'll feel from day to day ( hell,... make that hour to hour,...)

Sorry folks. I'm definitely rambling. I guess I just needed to get that all out,..... I have to admit I don't feel any better for it but it's out. Spewed like written vomit.

Does anyone ever get completely well of mental illness??

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