Wednesday, June 8, 2011

having a melt down,... must relax!!

I got a nasty email from my ex this afternoon basically saying I had  lot of nerve asking my own daughter for money. He made me feel like shit! He said my daughter is struggling a lot right now with her mental illness and basically I should have respected that.  Umm,.. I have a mental illness! I am struggling too,.... But no one has validated my illness ~ ever!! I've just been labeled as lazy and a drama queen and a faker,...
He also said that my daughter feels I haven't put much effort into our relationship and the I favor my other daughter (her younger sister). What??? I'm shocked. I won't go into a whole big list of why this isn't true,... So I'll just say that in my opinion I have bent over backwards trying to get her to visit with me but shes always busy. But I have tried! I mean, seriously,... I have tried! And it really hurts that she feels like I haven't. I don't understand any of this at all.
So I just wrote my daughter an email explaining exactly how I feel. Clicked the send button only 5 minutes ago. I'm already obsessing and totally riddled with anxiety. I am crying,... I am pacing back and forth. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm just so upset about all of this.
I don't handle stress and conflict well at all. In fact it usually sends me into a tail spin of self-hatred and guilt. (which is exactly what is happening now) I'm beside myself.  I wished I could be like normal people and take an issue and look at it rationally and form an opinion, take steps to fix it and then move on. But I can't. I get stuck in the issue and then I go over and over it in my head doing the "should have's"  I should have said this,... I should have done that,.... and I totally obsess about it until I am ill.
I know I need to calm down. I now I need to relax because then I deal with it rationally. But I find this so hard to do.
So i am going to take one lorazapam,.... maybe even have one glass of wine and sit and watch TV. Force myself to stay there and relax. Maybe then this overwhelming feeling of wanting to self-harm will subside. After all,... nothing I do will change the situation. I have to just calm down and relax. Stop crying,..... stop pacing,... stop obsessing,...
RELAX,.... deep breathes,... whew,....
OK, I think writing this blog entry has helped.
God, I hate being mentally ill. Everything is such a huge issue

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