Monday, June 13, 2011

I feel like I'm falling apart

I felt really overwhelmed and anxious and depressed last night after having spent the day at my cousins shower. I hadn't been in a social situation in quite some time so i found it quite difficult. By the time i got back home I was feeling really sad and depressed. So i gave in to my BPD impulses and self-medicated with double my seroquel dose as well as wine, lorazapam and a beer. So i pretty much expected that I wouldn't wake up until later afternoon today. That was the intended goal. To sleep as long as I could so i didn't have to feel.
At 6:30am I heard my phone beep. My sister-in-law was texting me to say that her father had just passed away a few hours previously. I acknowledged that message thinking once I wake up I'll call her. Because I had self-medicated the night before I was feeling very groggy and couldn't keep my eyes open. I actually just dropped the phone in my bed & went right back to sleep.
I didn't wake up until 2 this afternoon. I didn't call my sister-in-law or brother right away as I was really feeling groggy. So i thought I would have a coffee first and check my email. I got another shock when i opened my email to find my ex husband had emailed to say that our eldest daughter M*******, the one I had just had the falling out with, had just been admitted into hospital for her mental health issues. OMG,... I felt sooooooo guilty. I know if I had never asked her for the car repair money or wrote her that email saying I was disappointed that she felt I hadn't put much effort into our relationship (and then detailed dozens of reasons why I HAD put her first over a lot of other things) then she probably wouldn't have gotten to the stage of needing to go into hospital. This really did push me over the edge. I felt horrible and guilty. I just broke down and cried. I just can't help thinking that I ruin peoples lives. If you have anything to do with me then eventually I will ruin your life,....
I called my ex but it was his answering machine. (No doubt he's having a field day blaming me for all of this) so i called the hospital directly and after a lot of line-directing I finally got through to M******* and asked if I could come to see her tomorrow. She said that would be okay. She sounded so,... small. So quiet and scared. It broke my heart.
But I have to be honest. I'm not coping with any of this at all well. My first urge was to take an overdose of medication so I could sleep for a week and not have to deal with all this. I'm so over-whelmed right now. My anxiety level is through the roof. I can't stop crying. I feel terribly guilty.
But I won't take anything. Because I know that tomorrow I have to drive back into Newmarket (where I was yesterday for the bridal shower) 2 hours there and 2 hours back. I know I have to appear strong for M*******. But inside,... I'm falling apart.

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