Sunday, June 12, 2011

How am I possibly going to pull off "Normal" today

This is different. 8:46am on a Sunday morning and I am up. I have to be. My cousins bridal shower is this afternoon and I pretty much have to be there. It's close family so they would have been hurt if I had made an excuse and said I couldn't come.
But they live 2 hours away. My extremely small budget is going to be all used up just on gas alone. Worried now what I'm going to eat for the rest of the month as I have nothing left over for groceries. I've tried explaining my poverty existence to people (By that I mean family - don't just go shouting it around to anyone) but they don't get it. When you have money for all the stuff you need to exist then you don't understand what it's like when you don't have enough money to get by each month. So even though I really like this cousin I'm going to the shower for, I am feeling quite resentful (to who? Not sure. Life in general??) that going is causing me to use up my whole monthly budget when I still have 2 weeks left to live on this month.
I HATE LIVING IN THIS FUCKING POVERTY! Completely sick of it.
Anyway,... went off on a bit of an unexpected rant there. Sorry but I'm just so worried about money and this shower has eaten up my whole monthly budget.
I have been having trouble sleeping again in the past few days. I have been resorting to taking seroquel, lorazapam, a glass of red wine and then one meletonin. Last night I took all that around 8 in the evening and then tried to have an early night as I knew I would be doing four hours of driving today and need to be alert and awake. But sleep didn't come easy as I had hoped. In fact it was well after midnight before I finally relaxed enough and shut my brain off enough to fall asleep. And of course we all know what happened this morning. My alarm went off at 8,... I got out of bed and had coffee,... but I'm still really tired. I have the dreaded Seroquel hangover which has me feeling like I've been shot by an elephant tranquillizer. I have to DRIVE in 2 hours. How can anyone drive when they feel like they've had 6 drinks??
So now I'm panicking a bit. I'm going to have a nice long shower (blast some cold water near the end to shock me awake) and then go for a small walk if I have to.
But here's the illness talking. In the back of my mind I can't help thinking "so what if your too impaired to drive,... drive anyway and maybe you'll crash into a deep ditch,.. or a telephone poll,... or into a lake or river,... Wouldn't that just be a real convenient thing to happen to someone who is so sad & depressed and can't even afford to exist in this life"  Finally a sweet and precious end to this whole fucked up life I lead.
Of course I won't let that happen. For one ~ I would be way too worried someone else would get hurt instead and two ~ I am just way too chicken. I don't think I could ever bring myself to cause such pain and recklessness on purpose~ Sigh ~
So no worrying here people. I know I won't do it.
But the thought of trying to make it through this day "pretending" to be normal and well is already sending my anxiety level sky high. I don't do much socializing at all. In fact the last place I went out to where there was more than just my immediate family was my mothers funeral on April 7th. So this bridal shower has me freaked. Will i remember how to be normal?
Anyway, you can probably hear the Seroquel Hangover in all of this blog entry. It seems to be scattered thoughts and nothing really making a lot of sense. My mind is just too foggy right now.
So I'm not going to write anymore today.

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