Sunday, June 12, 2011

finally,... this day is overwith

Well, my day went about as well as I thought it was going to. I could tell just by the awful sadness and depression I was feeling that it was going to be difficult to make it through.
I drove to Newmarket (Ont.) and went to my Aunts first to help her bring stuff to the shower. I haven't seen this Aunt in a while and I should have been thrilled to see her as we are very close. But I just couldn't muster up the energy. I don't think she actually noticed as she was running around trying to get all the food packed in our 2 cars to take to the shower. (It was her daughters shower - my cousin).
Honestly I really did try my best. I pasted on that oh-so-phony smile and greeted a whole bunch of people I don't know (Can you say anxiety???) and some I did. Luckily for me, women in general are talkative creatures so my silence didn't seem to even be noticed above all the chatter going on around me.
I did enjoy seeing my cousin and I was really happy for her. But as I said, I just couldn't find any emotion today above flat. If I wasn't driving so damn far I would have downed a couple of cocktails. But, medication AND alcohol was probably not the best idea so I stuck to the soft stuff.
Normally I would have stuck around to the very end but before the first hour was even up I found myself fighting back tears. My cousin looked so happy,... My Aunt looked so happy,.... all those damn happy lives,... I think I was just so envious. I don't mean I was jealous of them. Because i wasn't. Both of them work really hard and they deserve a happy life. I think it more that I felt it was "in my face". Look,.. look how happy other people are. Why can't you be happy? Why do you have to be so damn miserable all the time? I just felt like sobbing.
On the way home I did cry. I just couldn't hold it in. I cried for my sorry state of a life that I don't think I will ever be happy in. Too many money problems. Too many mental health issues. And then of course theres also the fact that my eldest daughter has now "ousted" me from her life. I mean,... I don't have many people in my life to begin with. My Aunt,... cousin,.... and my two daughters,... and sometimes my brother and his wife (when they're feeling up to dealing with me). And now I've lost one. That just hurt so much. So i think I'm just being overwhelmed with all the sadness and depression and loss.
Oh hell,... I think I have moaned on enough tonight. I think I'm going to take a double dose of seroquel with a smidgen of red wine and maybe even a sprinkle of lorazapam. My illness is screaming at me to escape my mind by self-medicating. And even though normally I don't give in to these urges, tonight I am saying to hell with it. I might even have a beer on top of it all.
Please let tomorrow be brighter,....

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