Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Big trigger

I had an incident that has triggered me back to a place of self-hate and despondence.
Backing up, it all started 3 yrs ago when I lived with my teenage daughter. I found a big hole in my front bumper of my car when I came out of work one day. Had someone hit me and run? I hadn't noticed it before but it was snowing heavily the past few days so I could have missed it having snow covering it. Anyway, I have a $1,000.00 deductable for my insurance policy and there was no way I could afford that so I just left it. Over time that hole grew and grew so that now it's a huge hole.
Over the years since then I had a meltdown and OD'd,.. lost my job and my house and eventually moved around and put the car problem behind me. It was the least of my worries. My daughter moved in with her Dad so I didn't see much of her.
Anyway, to make a long story short, Over time my daughter finally admit to me that it was her who damaged my car. She was driving into the garage and drove right into the wall by mistake but she didn't want to tell me because this was her 3rd accident on my car in less than a year. I had paid the $1,000.00 deductable on the past 2 accidents even though I wasn't anywhere near my car for the accidents and they were her fault. She was only 17 and in high school and didn't have that kind of money. So I put it down to bad luck and paid the cost to repair my car.
As you all know, my Mom passed away April 4th. When she did she divided her inheritance up 9 ways. To her 3 kids (Me & my 2 brothers) and all the grandchildren (each of us have 2 kids) so we all got $19,000.00.  Sounds like a fortune right? Mine was gone in less than 3 days as I paid off 3 yrs of Income Tax debt and credit card debt and used it all up and still have more debt left. (I told you all I was in a terrible financial situation ~ I really am in a dark financial hole right now) I live on $53.00 a week ~ for everything. Food, gas, car repairs, clothes,... so basically that's living below the poverty line so I often have to use the food bank.
Anyway, getting back to my story,... I got pulled over by the police yesterday and was told I can't drive around with a bloody great hole in my car and I have 6 weeks to get it repaired. Well i don't even have close to $1,000.00 that I will need for my insurance deductable. In short,... I can't get it repaired as I just don't have the money. End of.
So i messaged my daughter and asked her if she would pay for it. After all it was her who actually damaged the car (and then took 2 yrs to tell me) She had already had 2 other accidents costing me $2,000.00 back then to fix. And she has just got this $19,000.00 inheritance from my Mother as well. I felt terrible asking her. I still don't know if that was the right thing to do. Was I being unreasonable? Did i have a lot of nerve asking my 20 yr old daughter for $1,000.00? Did this make me a bad mother/person?
Anyway this morning I woke up to a very short email from her saying "All my money is for school"
Obviously she is pissed off. The message was short and to the point. No "sorry i can't,...." of "wished I could help but not in a position to,..."  Instead just a short  "All my money is for school"
The mental illness in me right away had me start to cry. I knew I shouldn't have even asked her in the first place (but really feel trapped over what to do) I have now gone into such a loathsome state of hating myself that I have all these destructive thoughts and urges in my head.
"What kind of mother asks her 20 year old daughter for $1,000.00??" That was so stupid of me. I hate myself for it. Now all I want to do is harm myself. It's a typical impulse for me. Whenever something goes wrong like this I blame myself,... then hate myself for it,.. and then want to punish myself,....
Please don't worry,.. I won't harm myself. I'm just expressing that every fibre in my body is screaming out that I don't deserve to live or be happy or liked or have a nice life. My head is swimming with thoughts of being a horrible person who deserves to live a horrible life. I want to cut,... to take too many pills,... to drive into oncoming traffic,.... But I won't.
But right now I feel so alone. I just hate myself and have crawled right back into my dreaded "Black Fog" of depression.

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