Saturday, April 16, 2011

teetering between two worlds

I have two worlds I live between.
 I have my "real" world which is my friends and family. I have a "real" Facebook, Twitter and Blog for this world. My writing and communicating in this world is very watered down.
I have my "mental Illness" world which is my Twitter, Facebook and Blog in a community I have built up with many other people who suffer from and write about their struggles, pain, recuperation and health with mental illness. This community is tight. I have grown to like all my friends here. I read their blogs and status updates like I am catching up with an old friend. I can be completely honest when I write on this side of my world.
But lately I have been sitting on the fence between the two. For some reason I have backed away from reading and writing as Indigo Rose or put much effort into my blog here. I don't know why. I think it might be because I was getting too involved in other peoples lives here. I think I was getting too involved in the whole "mental Illness" world. It was comforting to me to read about others going through the same struggles as me. It was comforting to be so completely honest and not be judged because of it. But,... was it also triggering?
I struggle with depression,... BPD,..... self harm and eating issues. Does reading about others direct problems with these same issues allow me to continue my behaviour because "others do it too" so I'm not the only freak. Or does reading about their struggles help me? I don't know.
So I have stood back a bit to give myself some time to think.
I am still very sick. But due to some things that have happened over the past few months I have been forced to step up and deal with them. (moving, then having to move again 9 weeks later and my Moms illness and then her passing away less than 2 weeks ago) But I know I am just going through the motions. I know I am "acting" for the sake of others. And when I get right down to it,... I don't feel like I belong in their "normal" world. I don't feel like I completely fit it no matter how much I "act". My illness makes me different and a lot of people don't understand me becasue of it. I feel like people "put up with me" just to be polite rather than really liking me and wanting me to be around them. (Is this making any sense at all?????)
But no matter how well I am looking, the truth is I don't seem to be getting well at all.
So I'm coming back to my friends here in this community once again. Maybe I'm wrong and reading their blogs and posts really IS helping me. I know I have missed being a part of it all. Sometimes I feel like even though I've never even met anyone here on these sites I consider them dear friends. Some of them have disappeared over the past month or so and I can't seem to find their new blogs. But most of them are still here. I took some time today to read a lot of the blogs and twitter updates. And I was happy to realize that this comforted me.
So I'm going to try harder to stay apart of this community once again.

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