Monday, April 25, 2011

Slowly on the rise??

I actually had a good long weekend. I didn't think I would because it is the first Easter without my Mom. In the past, my 2 daughters and I always went to my Moms for dinner. But with her passing away we obviously didn't do that. And with her passing being so recent it made it all the more difficult. I felt really sad. But I tried my best to stay distracted. My youngest daughter spent the whole weekend with me which was great. Because my stove here in the cave,... dungeon,.. mausoleum,.. er I mean flat is broken I couldn't cook a nice Easter meal like I wanted so I took her out to a restaurant instead. I couldn't afford it but because I NEVER eat out I considered it a special treat and put it on the credit card. It was fun. The NHL playoffs were on and her being such a huge Flyer's fan we decided to sit near a TV and we just relaxed and watched the game. I haven't done anything like that in a very long time. The past two years I've been so depressed I have barely left my apartment let alone actually "socialized" So because I actually felt relaxed (no anxiety!) and enjoyed myself, I'm wondering if that means I really am taking a step forward and getting better. Even though the past 3 months have been incredibly challenging with some really stressful situations, I do find that overall my mood has been better. Not great,... but better,....  So I remain optimistic.
My moods are notorious for their swings. One day I feel good. The next day,... or even that same day later,... I can plummet to suicidal. I've been fighting this for over 30 years. But right now,... I'm having more upbeat moods than down. That is a positive change.
So, I am cautiously puttering along. I want to embrace happiness. But it's always a chaotic journey with me so I am just taking things one day at a time. Today was good. I can only hope tomorrow will be too. :-)

~ Only ONE WEEK until I move out of this basement flat ~
Yeah,..... :-)  :-)  :-)

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