Sunday, April 10, 2011

Rambling Thoughts

Well it certainly has been one heck of a week. I’m still trying to let it all sink in as right now it just doesn’t seem real. Just one week ago today Hayley and I were in Fergus with Nana. Now,… only 7 short days later she is gone and the funeral is over. It just doesn’t seem possible. It’s been a blur. I have purposely kept myself very busy. Distraction has been good. You don’t have time to fall apart or break down when your busy with errands and things that need done. But now that it’s all over,… I just don’t know what to do with myself.
I thought I was doing quite well considering. But tonight I finally broke. All over something so stupid too. Hayley has been with me the entire week so I haven’t had to be alone. Today we forced ourselves to get out. We drove into Newmarket to see the movie “Soul Surfer” and then came home to make a nice pork chop and roasted veggie and potatoes dinner. In my financial situation a nice roasted Sunday dinner is a rarity for me but I felt it would be a nice treat after such a difficult week. I put the dinner in the oven and waited. 45 minutes later it was barely warm let alone cooked. The stove was broken. I tried cooking it until it would be done but after 2 hours I knew it was futile. I drove Hayley home – giving her no dinner – and then came back and took my half-cooked meal out. I dumped it on the stove top and then,… proceeded to unravel. I phoned the landlord upstairs but by this time it was 9:00pm so i just told them the stove was broken but I didn’t want them coming down then to check it out as it was just too late. I’m not sure how it got started but the Landlords wife and I got into a big fight. I think all the things that have gone wrong in this apartment had all added up and the broken stove was the straw that broke the camels back. I don’t mean I was screaming or anything but I didn’t hold back on what I thought of their “Family Rec Room” that they have tried to con me into believing is an “apartment”.  The conversation lasted about 5 minutes with her only wanting to know the date I’m leaving. She denied any issues were their fault and basically accused me of having too high of standards. Blah, blah, blah,….. I ended up hanging up on her.
After hanging up I was so upset that I was shaking. I ended up downing two glasses of red wine just to calm down. (Which is so not like me as I rarely drink – I just wanted to stop crying) After an hour I fired off an email to the landlord apologizing for becoming so upset with his wife – but I would NOT apologize for the reasons why. I told him I was wrong to get so upset and I felt bad but I have just had enough of all their little “issues” around here. I told him I didn’t want to cause anyone any trouble. I just want to keep myself to myself until I could get myself out of here.  I mean, I DO feel bad as I handled it so badly. (I only hope they can appreciate losing Mom this week has left me raw and emotional and hope they can accept my apology) But that DOESN’T leave them off the hook for anything they have put me through by conning me into this apartment. Having to move again has been very stressful and expensive. For two months I don’t feel like I have a home. I feel like I’m camping. Living out of boxes,… tripping over extension cords,… ahhhh,… I’m starting to rant again. Now is not the time for that.
Moving on,… after the email, I sat on the couch and promptly burst into a flood of tears again and couldn’t stop. I sobbed my little heart out. I think we all know the tears were for Nana and not a ruined Sunday Dinner and a broken stove. But it did worry me that I cracked when I was coping so well there for the week. So I just let myself cry it out. (and that took a while,…) and now I feel totally, emotionally drained. Is this a good thing? Is this what I needed to do but couldn’t while I was so busy all week? Or am I slipping backwards into my world of depression again. I’m hoping it’s the former and not the latter. I’m hoping that I will crawl into bed tonight and sleep (finally,… SLEEP!) and wake up feeling better about the whole situation. Grief is a funny thing. No two people seem to do it the same. But with me, I worry about my emotions. I never know what is grief and what is my mental illness (depression). Or if they are both intertwined right now. I suppose I’m a little bit scared that I will/am sinking back down to where I was a few months ago. (And that was not a good place). Me + stress + upset = not being able to cope. So I guess I just have to be aware of this and try harder to focus on looking forward. If I can just look ahead,… If I can just make it to getting this second move done and over with,…. If i can just aim for that goal and reach it I will be alright. I am guardedly, shakily optimistic I can and will get through it.
I feel a bit resentful right now that this whole apartment fiasco has robbed me of my time and space to grieve my Mom. I wished I had time to just sit back and absorb and reflect her loss. To have a clear mind so I could be able to remember all of the wonderful times I had with her. But instead, I’m having to deal with “The Landlord” and the problems here in this apartment. With living in such frustrating conditions. But,… C’est Levee,… this is my lot in life right now.
Maybe that good cry will have done me a world of good. Maybe it was the best thing for me tonight. Get it all out.
I’m probably not making a blind bit of sense right now. I feel like I’m just rambling. But I think I can be forgiven for being a bit “all over the place” at the moment. It’s been a really difficult week. And I don’t know where I’m at just yet. I thought putting a few words onto my blog might sort my head out a bit but to be honest,… I don’t think it did. I think I’m going to need a few more days before I’m able to pull myself together. Gather my thoughts properly.
Until then, I just can’t help feeling really sad that Mom is gone. I miss her so much it hurts my heart.  :-(

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