Sunday, April 3, 2011

Not a good time to be so depressed

Drove out to Fergus today to see my Mom. She is in hospital right now. And not doing well. She has decided to refuse all further medications and procedures. She is deteriorating fast. Today she looked so frail and weak. She was having a bit of trouble breathing so I called in the nurse and they gave her some morphine. It's hard watching her so ill. It was only a few weeks ago my brother and I were scolding her for being such a pain to all the nurses and doctors. But now,... in such a short time she has gotten so much worse. No more naughty Nana. (That's how we knew she wasn't doing too bad ~ she was a cantankerous old grump to everyone) Today she was quiet. Fading in and out. I don't think she has much longer.
I have decided that even though she lives an hour away I am still going to drive out there everyday and sit with her. No one knows how much longer she has. My Mom and I have had some epic troubles in the past. She has never understood the problems I face having a mental illness. I have resented her for not understanding. But still we had a relationship. We still loved each other. And right now none of that past stuff matters. Right now she is my Mom and she is dying. I will be there for her every minute I can.
I drove home with a heavy heart.
My depression is paralyzing me. It's not a good time for me to be so sick. But I can't shake it. I am trying. I don't want to be so sad and depressed. WHY can't I just move on? My mom needs me. I'm trying my very best. I think I'm being there for her. I don't know. I'm so messed up mentally I don't know. I'm not eating again. I'm not sleeping. I'm a mess.
But I really am trying. i don't want to let my mom down.

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