Thursday, April 14, 2011

Don't seem to be moving forward at all

Haven't been writing much on here lately. I think it's a combination of my Mom passing away less than 2 wks ago and trying to do all the stuff needed for the funeral, etc,... while feeling like all I want to do is stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep for the rest of my life.
I'm finding it really hard to be positive about my future. Everyone keeps saying that once I get out of this horrible flat I was conned into things will get better. They keep talking about "Once I move and get a job I will feel more normal and life will get better,..." I have been hiding how bad I am because with my Mom dying my family has enough on their plate without me having another breakdown and giving them something else to be worried and stressed about. But the truth is, I put on a smile when I'm around them and lie by making them think I am much better. I give them the impression that I am up early everyday ~ I get things done ~ I go to bed at a normal hour ~ and things are getting much better with my depression. But I am lying. They all live in different cities so it's easy to lie. The truth is I am not doing well. I haven't been doing well for a very long time.
Moving into this nightmare flat has been so stressful. Having to move for a second time in two and a half months is stressful. Putting up with all the issues going on in this apt until I move again is stressful. And people just think that once I move I will get a job and life will be honky-dory once again. But truthfully,... I'm not ready for a job. I am still depressed. I still cry everyday. I still have no stability with my sleeping patterns (When i take my Seroquel I sleep all day ~ when I don't take it I can't sleep at all) I still think about dying all the time. Life seems so futile to me. My future seems too bleak to me to bother carrying on. My financial situation is horrible and I'm sick of people hounding me for money all the time. It would all be so much easier if I would just go to sleep and never wake up.
But apparently I'm putting on quite a show because no one sees any of this. It's exhausting "acting" normal when I am with family (my daughters and brother and aunt) I literally have to psych myself up for when I am with them and then once I leave I usually burst into tears and feel exhausted. Life just seems too hard right now. Everything seems like it's just too hard to accomplish. I'm overwhelmed with it all.
Once I move, people are expecting me to get a job. I know I'm not stable enough for that. They are all going to be so disappointed in me. I know they are all going to just give up on me ~ fed up that I just can't seem to get well. Lets face it,... a depressed person is not fun to be around and people tire of it real quick. I disappoint people all the time. i disappoint myself all the time. But HOW do I finally get well??? I want to get well. I just don't. I feel like a complete and total failure.

No comments: