Tuesday, March 1, 2011

trying to stay calm and just relax a bit

Today I feel a little bit better. Not great. Not excited. Still not liking the new flat,... but,...  if I can feel a bit better with each passing day then things can only go up, right?
It's a family of 6 that live upstairs and I'm not used to all the noise. I am a night owl - NOT a morning person so for the past 2 years I have been up really late every night and sleep in late every morning. But this family all get up at 6 and they wake me up with their noise. I have been up and out of bed by 8:00 every morning so far. As much as I HATE this maybe its not a bad thing in the end. Maybe it will help me get back into a more sociable schedule. That is, of course, unless I get another job working nights and then I'll be pissed for being woken up so early. But for now,... I'm not working at all so maybe this is a positive thing.
I actually like the family. It's an Irish man and a Portuguese woman and their 4 kids. The eldest two daughters are exactly the same ages as my two girls. Because of the wood burning stove and the odd jobs they have been in and out of here all the time. Before I moved I would have resented the intrusion but oddly right now I'm not hating it (so far!!) I kind of like having people to chat with and I almost feel like I'm back in the middle of a family once again. Hmmmmm what is this?? Could this be a sign that I might be getting a bit better mentally? Only time will tell. Either I continue to go up and do better or I will one day soon wake up and resent not having my cocoon to hide away in and continue to be a recluse. Everything is all so new and over-whelming for me so I'm not really sure how I feel about anything right now. Theres so much going on in my life that I'm so conscious of just taking things day by day so I don't end up really un-well again.
I'm still very emotional. I have spoken with my brother and my aunt on the phone and both conversations I was breaking into tears trying really hard to stop myself from crying. Having a stable mood is obviously still an issue but I'm working on it.
I haven't heard from the new mental health centre I was referred to yet. I'm getting a little concerned as I'm almost out of medication. I guess if worse came to worse I could always make an appointment with my GP and she can write me a script but shes a hard one and I have to jump through hoops to get anything out of her so I would rather just see the new psychiatrist instead. I will try not to get too anxious over this. I have to keep reminding myself that these things take time and paper work. But I feel sort of exposed or fragile not having a doctor at all who is helping me with my mental illness. Right now there is literally no support what-so-ever and that makes me a bit nervous. But I will stay calm and hang in there.
I didn't do a lot in the flat today. But I did go out and buy a small shelf for some stuff so I could put a small amount of stuff away. Every little bit is progress.
Tonight I am just sitting in front of the TV relaxing. Or trying to anyway. I still have high anxiety but I'm working hard at just trying to chill and take time to myself and not stress.
One day at a time they say,..... and that's all I'm capable of at the moment.

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