Monday, March 21, 2011

Too much

I just can't explain to you how flat and depressed and sad I feel right now.
I finally found a flat to move into. But it's anything but the Taj Mahal. For anyone following this blog you will know that I have to get out of this apartment that I am in right now. I moved in here 3 weeks ago but learned quickly I had been conned. No heat,... no locks,... no keys,... no garbage disposal (Have to bring my garbage into town and dispose of in city rubbish bin!!! - really!) No working bathtub. Had no fridge for 2 weeks,... the list goes on. But right now the big issue is the no heat. I am using 3 portable heaters to heat this whole flat and they're all on extension cords so I'm feeling like I'm living in a fire-trap right now.
And today,... the landlord just walked in to my flat. Just WALKED IN!  He came in through the connecting door between my apartment and their house. He said he momentarily forgot I was here and came in to use the bathroom. He just said "ooops" and laughed. I didn't find it the least bit funny.
Anyway, I found a new apartment but it's about an hour from here. (so that means an hours drive from my daughters) I just couldn't find anything I could afford in this area. So I'm moving to Fergus. My brother and his family live there and my ailing mother is in a retirement home there. (or was - will get into that later)
It's very small. And REALLY disgustingly dirty. The bathroom was like something you would see on "The Secret Millionaire" when the undercover millionaire looks around his new temporary slum of a flat. The toilet wasn't flushed (hope it actually works!!) and had a thick brown stain covering the whole bowl. Don't think it has ever been cleaned. The bathtub was grimy and needs to be re-caulked. I don't remember what the taps were like but hopefully they worked alright.
I know all my furniture will not fit in there. It's about half the size of my old flat so once again I will be having to get rid of more of my stuff. probably a lot of my stuff.
But it has heat and locks on the door that only I have keys to. And it's a LEGAL apartment meaning the landlord will have to do as the law says. This temporary flat I was conned into and am living in right now is not legal so it's not fit to be lived in and no one is checking it. My only hold over my dick of a landlord is that I can go to the authorities at anytime and let them know he is renting an illegal - unsafe apartment.
So, even though I have found a new apt I am anything but excited to move into it. It's a pokey dump of a place. I'm feeling so defeated and discouraged and frustrated with all of this going on. I feel like nothing ever goes right for me.
How did I fall so low??? How did my life get this far into poverty??
And I just got a message from my sister-in-law saying that my mother has officially been asked to leave the retirement home she moved into last October. She isn't nearly as physically ill as she makes out to be (we made sure of that by all the doctors she sees so we wouldn't be getting upset with her for something she can't help) They said she is fully able to take care of herself, use the bathroom herself, dress herself, feed herself,.... but she is refusing to saying she is way too ill. (again - Doctors all agree she is not that ill) The retirement home she is in is for 'able-bodied' seniors who need light help. My Mom won't even feed herself. Won't get out of bed. Demands everyone do everything for her. So the retirement home has called saying we need to remove her as she is too demanding and in their politically correct way has said she is basically a pain in the ass that they don't have the resources or time for catering too. So now, we have no idea what to do with her. She is on a waiting list for a nursing home but no one has any idea how long that will take.  It's such a worry and too much stress for me to deal with right now.
Just last week I contemplated ending it all. Wanted to take an overdose but at the last minute I couldn't do it. But those thoughts and urges have not gone away. I just struggle to not act on them.
Right now I am so exhausted and stressed and just can't cope with anything. My mind is shutting down. My body just wants to lay in bed and sleep. I can barely force myself to have a shower everyday. The only accomplishment in my day. I just don't want to struggle on anymore. Dead ~ Flat ~ Soul-less,..... I pray every night for God to strike me dead in my sleep and finally give me relief from this 'nothingness' hell I can't seem to get out of.

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