Monday, March 14, 2011

Just walked away from this horrible apartment. I walked into the golf course across the street. It's just after midnight and theres an almost full moon that is lighting the way for me. The snow is hard and crunches beneath my feet. I live in the country so it's very quiet and peaceful and dark and lonely.  I brought a bottle of seroquel and a bottle of larazapam and found an old tractor. I climbed up into the seat and sat there shivering in the cold. It was really, really cold. I had brought water with me. i wanted to swallow all the pills I had brought with me. But I was so cold. And so lonely. It was really dark and lonely out there. My fingers and toes were numb. If I had found the courage to just take all those pills I would have slipped into uncounsciousness and froze to death by morning.
But I couldn't do it. I sat there for a very long time. I even took the pills out. But I couldn't take them.
It was so very cold.
And really, really quiet and lonely. My heart broken I sat and wondered how my life has gotten so bad.
I am numb right now. Numb from the cold and numb from the exhaustion of my life.
I guess I'll live another day.  ~  sigh  ~  Not that I want to. I'm just too stupid to go through with ending it.
I hate my life

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