Saturday, March 26, 2011

Just so sick of it all

Haven't been on here as much as I used to. A lot of my favorite blogs seem to have disappeared over to word press and i can't find them. Feeling kind of disconnected from this whole group of friends. I miss them. Where is everyone?
I'm still in this hell-hole of an apt but I found another one to move into mid-May. But truthfully, it's actually not much better than this one. (except it has heat and locks!! that's better) I'm feeling really down and depressed about it all. I don't want to be in this basement apartment anymore. (for all the reasons I've been complaining about on here) but I'm not excited about moving to the next one because its still scraping the barrel. Truth is, that's all I can afford. This damn mental illness has robbed me of the ability to hold down a job,... to socialize like a normal person,... to be stable in anything I do. I'm a mess. I have moved over 25 times in my adult life (I'm 47 now) and have had over 2o jobs. Nothing lasts. I was married but couldn't keep my husband. We're now divorced and he's happily re-married to a stable "normal" woman now. Bet he's happy he got rid of me. I can't seem to sustain any relationship. Boyfriends, friends, family,.... Is that the BPD or just being so messed up with my depression and bipolar? Either way I have fallen to an all-time low. Every year I sink lower. Get poorer,... move to worse apt's,.... I can't believe that this is me and this is where I have ended up. I'm really tired of it all now. I keep struggling but I just sink lower. And I just don't have it in me to keep struggling anymore.
I want to end it all. But I don't have the medications that would help me with that. But I think about it all the time. The thoughts are there every single day. I wished people didn't think of suicide as a horrible, bad, taboo thing. Because right now it would just be a blessed relief to me. I would finally be out of this depression and poverty situation. Why can't people understand that suicide would be an end to all of this. It's not like I've only been ill for a while. I have been mentally ill my whole adult life. Years, and years and endless years of it. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I wished someone would just see suicide as a good thing for me and help.
But as it stand now,... I don't have the means to go through with it. No medication,... no gun,.... and I'm not brave enough for jumping or trains,.... Instead I sit here in this sad limbo of nothingness.
Every morning I wake up, I feel disappointed I'm still here. But I can't kill myself. So I just trudge on and on and on,..... I wished someone understood this. I mean REALLY understood this. It's torture
(Don't worry, I won't be trying to kill myself,... just trying to articulate how low I'm feeling and longing for relief)

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