Friday, March 4, 2011

Can't deal with this anymore

Things have gone badly. This whole move was wrong. I feel like I've gone from the frying pan into the fire. I've been in this new apt for a week now. I still have no fridge. In fact, I'm not getting one now until next Wednesday. I still have no washing machine. Am I wrong in thinking that he knew I was moving in for the past two months so shouldn't these two appliances have been fixed/bought before I moved in?
Theres so many little things I can't even remember them all. My mail? He tells me today I have to have HIS name on all my mail or the lady who sorts it out at the mailbox will see my name and not his and send it back to recipient. Huh? It's that big a deal that we can't just oh I don't know,.. tell her I live here now and she can say ok then,... here's your mail. Apparently not so. Apparently any mail with just my name on it - even though it has the correct new address here - will get sent back to the recipient. So now my drivers license, my OHIP card, my disability cheque,... will not get here. i don't understand how this can be. But,... it is true as so far, no mail has reached me. My OHIP & drivers license will automatically be cancelled if they get sent back. My disability cheque will get sent back,.... (Do you understand the logic of this cuz I don't) Apparently if we tell the post office that this is actually a basement apt and I am a new tenant they will charge me $100.00 a month postal fee to get mail??? Never heard of such rubbish. I guess we'll see what happens.
And speaking of rubbish,.... This town, like many in Ontario, has a "one large bag" limit of rubbish per week that can be put at the curb for pick up. Because there are 6 people living upstairs they already fill this quota. So I have to now,... (and I'm still trying to get my head around this one,...) each time I take out my small little bag of trash I have to put it in my car and next time I'm in town put it into one of the cities trash cans. Can you believe this shit?
Oh, and I still havent' received a key to this flat. And guess what. I never will. They don't have one because they've never been broken into so they never lock their doors so I can't lock my doors. ever. There is NO KEY.
And here's the best part. The guy upstairs is a real estate agent. Works from home and does a lot of driving around here and there. Well his car is broken so he rents a car three times a week for using. Well he talked me into "renting" him MY CAR 3 times a week for his use. $20.00 a day plus the cost of gas. I am stupid. I am a huge pushover. I do not know how to say no. So I fell for it and agreed. So yesterday and today I was stuck in this flat in the middle of the country because HE was driving around in MY car. Yes the $40.00 he gave me was nice. But come on,.... HOW did I fall for this shit??? It's just me all over,.... I can never be honest with people about how I really feel so I just smile and nod and agree and get walked all over. He said he would be home at 5 as I had to pick my daughter up from work at 9 but he didn't get home until 8!! I was shitting bricks wondering if he had been in a car wreck or what and freaking out because I didn't know if he would be home in time for me to pick my daughter up. When he got home he didnt' even come downstairs. He just kept the keys as he has it tomorrow too. Needs it to go to a funeral with his family. So I had to go up there and ask for my own fucking car keys to go and get my daughter! He didnt' even realize he was suppose to be home (although I did say I need the car at 5 to go into town to do laundry). Again I just made light of it. But I was seething inside. I was mad enough to (say smiling) that I was re-thinking the car thing and I would let him know what I decided on Sunday after talking to my brother. But I couldn't say no to him using it tomorrow as it is a funeral he needs it for and the whole family is going. But so far,.... I haven't allowed him to use it after that.
I mean this is me! I get taken advantage of ALL THE TIME! I know this apt was $150.00 cheaper than the going rate so I was expecting some problems. But so far,.... It's been a nightmare. I hate it here. And theres no way of moving again. I put this move on a credit card to begin with so it's put me into a lot of debt. I am stuck here whether I like it or not. I HATE IT HERE! It's dirty. Theres no heat except that damn wood burning stove so I'm always cold. (9 blankets on my bed at night and I still wake up freezing)
And this has plunged me back into depression big time. Because now it's like,... This is my life. This is now my lot in life and theres not a damn thing I can do about it. And I'm miserable.
My mental illness makes me very impulsive and I was so upset earlier that all I wanted to do was take an OD and escape this nightmare. But my daughter was coming over so I couldn't. But then when I picked my daughter up she said she was going out with friends. (she is 16 - I guess there all a bit self absorbed at that age) so I don't even have her here with me now.
I'm miserable. I have been drinking wine every night this week which is NOT like me at all. I've just been that miserable and desperate for an escape no matter how short. So right now I am drunk. And I am sobbing. And I feel trapped. But most of all I feel stupid. I never seem to make any good choices and this is just another example of one of my many bad choices in life. And this time,.... I just can't deal with it. I just can't deal with this whole thing.
Someone come and rescue me. Because theres no way I'm going to survive this mistake.

No comments: