Monday, February 28, 2011

Too much to deal with right now

Well today has actually been a very upsetting day. With all that has gone wrong with my move into this new apartment I didn't dream anything could get worse.
I was excited today because I got to see my daughters and my Mom. I picked my two daughters up at their house just around the corner (they live with their Dad) and we drove the hour to the Retirement home my Mom moved into last October. But as we walked into the front door the girl at reception told us that an ambulance had brought my Mom to the local hospital a few hours earlier. There was a message to call my sister-in-law "L" which we did.
Now to understand my Mom,.... Shes 82 and has become a cantankerous ol bat at the best of times. (and I'm being kind here) She is unwell but she is not SERIOUSLY ill at the moment. Today her legs were swollen and weeping which is a regular occurrence for the past month or two. But she decided today that they were bad enough she needed an ambulance called. (this condition would rarely require anything more than a Doctor to come out to look at) Finally the staff at the home gave up and let her call the ambulance.

She is being extremely difficult. Basically she is severely depressed and keeps telling anyone who will listen to call a vet and have her put down. (I"m not being funny here - she really does say this!) She has given up and won't do anything to help herself. She won't even feed herself even though there is nothing physically wrong with her to warrant help. The retirement home has now had enough and want a meeting with my brother and I to discuss her leaving and going into a nursing home where she can be (and these are their words, not mine,...) waited on hand and foot to her hearts content over there because we aren't that level of care here. In short, she thinks a retirement home means being surrounded by servants who will cater to her 24/7. It's not. A retirement home is for able-bodied seniors who need 'light' care but can basically fend for themselves.
My Mom is capable of fending for herself but refuses to.

Anyway,.... So I haven't seen my Mom in months as I lived 3 and a half hours away. But since I moved on the weekend I am now only an hour away.
So after hearing she is now in the hospital we all pile into my car and drive to the local hospital where we are told that "This is a hospital,... and we are nurses - not maids or servants,.." so right away we know this visit isnt' going to be good.
I walk in her room - not having seen her in months and have just moved - and she doesn't even acknowledge me in any way. She just starts bitching about the quality of care shes getting.I tried to ignore her and be "happy" and act all excited to see her but she doesn't want to know.
Finally my eldest daughter says "Nana, Mom moved this weekend. Did you know that?" and she replies no she had completely forgot and then goes back into a tirade of bitching. To say I was hurt that she didn't show any happiness or anything at seeing me in a few months is an understatement. To know she completely forgot I was even moving was just as hurtful. She didn't ask about any of us at all. She didn't want to know.
My sister-in-law showed up just as I was leaving the room in tears. The first thing out of my mothers mouth? "L" I'm out of depends. I need you to go and get me some and then I need changing,...  I was shocked at how rude and inconsiderate she was as "L" has dropped her life and done nothing but cater to Mom for the past 5 months!! THIS IS NOT MY MOM!!!!!!  I mean really,.... this is not the woman I knew and loved all my life. And it was devastating to realize this. Me and my 2 daughters (16 & 20) all left in floods of tears shocked at how she has changed.  IT WAS UPSETTING!!
Why is she like this? Is she just sick of living and taking it out on the world? I wondered about dementia but she remembers exactly who we all are. What happened? My mother has been replaced by a demanding, rude, inconsiderate lout. And it broke my heart.
I didn't need this today. I am fighting a breakdown from this move. I have been fighting it for a few months now. My eating disorder returned about a month ago (I've lost 17 pounds in 1 month) and my depression and anxiety are at an all time high. This move was just too much for me but of course once the wheels were in motion I had to go through with it. I can't now deal with this too. I just can't.
I dropped my girls back at their house and I came back to my new apartment which is still in shambles and still has everything broken and which I still hate and I dropped down to a heap on the floor and I sobbed my heart out. This is too much. This is too much. This is too much,.....

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