Monday, February 14, 2011

slipping back into my E/D

I'm still feeling really sad and depressed. I've stopped the Seroquel for the past few days as it didn't seem to be helping the depression anyway but it was making me quite foggy, hung-over and zombie-like so I felt better off of it. But now on top of feeling so sad, I can't sleep or eat. I have always had sleeping issues starting with an up-side-down schedule as I'm a natural night owl. I usually go to bed around 3'ish and wake up around noon. I've been like this since I was a teenager and 30 years on I can't change. Luckily I have managed to find evening or night jobs when I work to make things easier. But right now, I can't sleep at all. I go to bed but I just lay there wide awake so eventually just get back up and watch TV.
I'm also still restricting my food intake. The anorexic tendencies are definitely back full force. I was anorexic as a teen and then had a relapse 8 years ago going down to 92 lbs again. But over the past 2 years I have been severely depressed and lonely and have comfort ate my way up to 150 lbs which is not only enormous to me but DISGUSTING! Suddenly, with all the pressure I've been under with this upcoming move I have reverted back to my food restricting. Today I ate nothing but a yogurt at dinner and a bowl of cereal at 8. For the past week I have only had either a yogurt or cereal all day. I've already lost 5 lbs. But even though I have been down this road and know the consequences, I just can't stop. Controlling my food intake is a comfort to me that I can't explain to anyone else who hasnt' been here. Maybe once I move and get settled closer to my family I will feel less stressed and start eating normally again. But for now, I can't.
It's not that difficult really because I am so sad and depressed I really don't feel like eating at all anyway.
I'm not condoning what I'm doing. I'm just being honest in telling you I'm doing it.
For now, In a really weird way,.. not eating is keeping me from breaking down completely from this intense pressure and stress I'm feeling and not able to cope with. It's my way of coping.
Dangerous? yup,... you don't have to tell me I've been there before,.... but right now I can't stop.

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