Friday, February 18, 2011

Should I go & meet her?

I had an interesting email sent to me yesterday. But I'd better share a bit with you first so you'll understand the dilemma it is causing me.
I was born to an 18 yr old alcoholic/drug addict. This girl lived with her Mom (my Grandma) and her 6 siblings in a tiny two-up - two-down house. So there was barely room for me once I came along. I lived in this house for 3 yrs until the Children's Aid Society came in and removed me and put me into care. I was very soon after adopted into a nice middle class family.
This family was lovely but I didn't get along with them once I hit the terrible teenage years so I moved out when i was only 15.  My relationship with this family got better later in life. Especially after I had my two daughters.
I divorced in 2000. My father died in 2003. So my two daughters and I moved into my Moms house. My depression was at an all-time low as you can imagine. I had just lost my marriage, my father and the beautiful big house I loved. I had a huge break-down which resulted in a suicide attempt and hospital stay. Won't go into all the details except to say I lost custody of my children and my ex-husband would not let me see them for  "3 YEARS!" which of course devastated me and I spun more and more out of control into my illness.
I finally started to see them again in 2007. But by this time I had lost all my family. My Mother and two brothers choose not to have me in their life and wouldn't talk or contact me. This really, really hurt me.
In a completely different scenario,... 20 years ago my Aunt D from my birth family (my birth mothers sister) found and contacted me and we became great friends and very close. To this day, I still can't live without her kindness and understanding and go to her when I need someone to be there for me.  
In another completely different scenario,... I have always had contact with my birth mother (I'll call "K") but she lives 5 provinces away from me so I have never actually met her. She is still into drugs and drinking but underneath that she is a lovely and kind person. She moves around a lot and we don't always know where she is but about a couple of times a year she calls just to let everyone know shes alive and kicking still.
Now, K had another child about 15 years after she had me. A son (my step-brother) who we'll call "T". Now  T  is mentally challenged and functions at the level of a 10 year old even though he is an adult. He is very sweet and loving. Three years ago his carer flew him to us so he could meet me and my daughters. It was a nice visit and we all liked him. That was the first and last time I saw him.
Are you still with me??
Now,.... T's carer just emailed me asking me to come out to British Columbia where they live to visit with them. This is also where my birth mother lives. I replied by explaining a bit about my situation and how I could barely afford food let alone a vacation. So they offered to pay my flight. Now I really don't know what to do. I barely know these people having only met them once for a couple of hours. I also know that travelling cost more than just the cost of the plane tickets. Money I don't have. (food, sight-seeing, etc,..) and i could not expect them to pay for everything as that would be way too much. The other reason I wouldn't be comfortable is because of my social issues due to my depression. I don't think I could be away from my own home more than a night. I wouldn't be comfortable staying in someone else's home. My depression has left me so I don't even know if I can 'pretend' to be normal anymore. I don't think I could interact appropriately with people anymore. I don't think I could "pretend" to be normal for such a long period of time. (probably a week)
But part of me is saying,... You have never had the chance to meet your mother. This could be your one and only chance to do that. Shes 65 and not healthy due to her high-risk lifestyle so who knows how long she has.
Anyone reading my blog knows I don't have much in the way of family left. Just my two daughters and Aunt D. No one else. My rejection from my adoptive family devastated me and tore a whole in my heart that has never repaired. Could this be a chance at having another family? Unfortunately they live over 3000 km away so it wouldn't be a hands on relationship like sharing holidays and birthdays, etc,... 
I don't know. I'm quite conflicted. My Aunt is telling me no. My mother would be a negative influence on me. Her illness/addiction would not be good for my state of mind right now. She doesn't feel I'm strong enough for any of this. I have to wonder the same.
But if I don't go,... Will I ever get to meet my birth mother?

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