Thursday, February 10, 2011

need sleep!

Here I am once again sitting at the computer in the middle of the night because I can't sleep. I know all of you reading this are nodding your heads saying "Yeah,... Join the club,..." Reading all the blogs it's hard not to see the same symptom in all of us when we are in a bad way. Sleep does not come easy,... And for me, it's been 2 nights of sleep not coming at all.
I'm severely depressed. Feel hopeless. Useless. Just don't want to go on. But at the same time theres this current of ,... something,... going through me making me feel like I'm going to explode. I've reverted back to my eating restrictions. ( only one banana & one yogurt all day for the past 3 days ) which is definitely not a good sign. It shows I'm losing control somehow (doesn't it? Maybe not,... I don't know anymore,...)
I just know I'm in a very bad way. I think this move and having to do it completely on my own has been a bit too stressful for me. I should have waited until I was feeling better mentally before I took such a task on. I'm not coping with the workload of it all. And I'm completely stressing out because I know it will mean a complete lifestyle change as well. I will be near my family once again and they will be in and out of my life all the time and I will have to suddenly be 'all better' and that means a lot of "acting" that I really dont' think I'm up to at all. My daughters worry about me so much (due to past overdoses) so I will always have to pretend to be well and healthy even when I'm dying inside. I just don't think I'll be able to cope with that right now.
And this is putting a great deal of pressure on me that I'm not dealing well with it at all. I'm cutting (Yes, there I said it,...) I'm restricting food which I know from past behaviour is a dangerous slope to be walking on. It's obvious my mental state is screaming out in all these different harmful ways that I need to take a break. Slow down. I want all this pressure to just go away.
But mostly right now, I need to sleep. My head is completely all over the place (as you can tell by this scatterbrained entry,...) I'm not sure if my mental state is causing the sleeplessness,... or it the lack of sleep is causing me to crash. It seems to be a vicious cycle of both things together.
So that's it. I am going to take my seroquel soon as I get off this computer. And instead of my really low dose that I have been restricting myself to I am going to take the full 700mg that the doctor has prescribed me. I've been taking about 50 to 100mg a day for the past few months trying to stay away from the zombie state it puts me in. But tonight (or this morning rather as its now after 2) I welcome that drugged, hangover zombie effect it has on me. I need that state of non-feeling just for a bit. And hopefully I can go to bed and sleep until tomorrow afternoon.
I'm such a friggin mess right now.

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