Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I'm so scared of change

You know, I'm not sure why it is that my moods fluctuate so much. But I was so happy on the weekend. I had gone to visit my Aunt and my 2 daughters and we had such a lovely time. I wonder if I was a bit manic as I couldn't sleep for 2 nights. Or maybe it was because I didn't take my Seroquel for the two days beforehand as I can't drive on that medication as it knocks me into a stupor. Either way I was happy and sleepless.
Since i got home, I have been sad and depressed. I keep thinking of my move and now it's scaring me. Not the part about being closer to my family. That is and always will be a great thing. But once I get there, I am going to have to live a much more "normal" existence. My family keep asking where I want to work and talk about popping over all the time,... This means I will have to start behaving like a normal person. Going to bed at a regular hour. Waking up at a regular hour. Showering every morning (rather than whenever I feel like it during the day or evening) This is scary to me as it is making me feel like I have to "act" or "be on" all the time now.
And the job part! That is terrifying me. I know in my heart I'm not ready to work yet. My moods fluctuate so rapidly and I am always so emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat at least 2 or 3 times a day. And finding a job is going to be so difficult. How do you explain not working the past 2 years and all the other long gaps in between other jobs before that. Every job I left I burnt bridges because I didnt' leave on good terms. It always happens sooner or later in all my jobs that I "crash" I suddenly wake up one morning and I can't move. I am so depressed I am paralyzed and I don't call in sick. I just don't go in. Of course I get fired. None of these people will ever give me a reference. So how do I find another job??? My family expects it. They talk about it all the time. Oh you'll be so much better once your working,.... Well,... I WANT to work. I NEED to work (I am so poor it's embarrassing) but I just don't know if mentally I am ready and even if I was, I just can't face the rejection of looking for a new job. All the why's they will be asking that I just can't answer. Honestly anyway,.... What do I say? Um,... well, I left that job because I had a sort of break-down. Oh and that job too. Yes, and the job before that as well,... I haven't worked in 2 years because I've been so depressed I can't leave my apartment,... Um, no you can't have a reference because no one will give me one. It's all so humiliating. And futile. So what do I do??
I'm so scared. I don't move for another 22 days. And right now I feel like I'm in a little safe cocoon in this apartment where I can be me. The sick me. Sleeping for days on end. Awake for days on end. Looking terrible because its a huge effort just to get into the shower. Hiding here alone. It's comforting to me not to leave this apartment (cocoon) and not have to pretend to anyone. But these days will soon be over. And it scares me to death.
I'm such a hopeless failure.

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