Monday, February 7, 2011

Horrible Night Last Night

I have no idea what happened last night. I have been slipping into a depression over the past week or two. Yesterday I binged which I do about once a month. But after the binging I suddenly panicked. I wanted that food out and I wanted it out NOW! I tried purging but it didn't work. And with each failed attempt I got more and more panicky. My anxiety level was very high.
There was definitely something inside of me building up and I needed to release it ~ badly! But I didn't know how. It felt terrible. So I worked myself up into this complete frenzy. I was pacing around. Couldn't settle down. Finally I found an old bottle of Temazepam (30mg) and took 2 of them. It worked. Within an hour I had calmed down considerably and was even groggy enough to go to bed. 
But why this sudden urge to purge??? 
I was anorexic as a teen. Undiagnosed. But all through high school and a few years after I weighed about 92 pounds. I freaked out if I gained a pound over that. It's unbelievable to me that no one in my entire family or circle of friends ever mentioned it to me. I hardly ate. I was 92 lbs. Yet no one said a word. I remember being happy that no one cared because then no one bothered me about it. I was obsessed with staying 92 pounds! 
Am I so anxious about my move that I am reacting by reverting back to my 'food obsession' days? I have been slim all my life up until 8 yrs ago when terrible things happened in my life. Then I started comfort eating and have continually gained weight ever since. I am now 154lbs. ( 11 stone ) People who havent' seen me in a few years can't hide the shock in their faces when they see me. I'm nearly twice my weight since the last time they saw me. I look awful. I feel totally ASHAMED that I have let myself go to this weight. And I am disappointed in myself that I have no control or willpower like I did when I was young. (I loved pushing through the hunger knowing I "won")
Last night I suddenly wanted that control back. I wanted to be thin. I wanted my stomach to feel empty. Because that meant I could control my food again. And having that strong willpower once again meant I was in control of SOMETHING in my life. But I panicked when it didn't work. In the end, I took a laxative which did help a little bit in making me think I was doing something,... anything,.... (Yes, gross, but unless you've ever been in an eating disordered mind I don't think you would ever guess at what lengths we'd go to keep out stomachs empty) 
So on top of my depression and anxiety, I now have to deal with my eating. I HAVE to stop binging. Have to!! I've been doing it for years now and it has to stop. But I don't know how to stop. I feel so pathetic that I have no self control or willpower what so ever. 
I wonder if last night was a one-off. Or if that ugly monster called 'eating' is resurfacing after years of self excile I'm pretty confused right about now about the whole thing.   

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