Sunday, February 20, 2011

Head all over the place

Today I went into a popular coffee shop to ask about getting boxes for my move. While I was waiting I looked around at everyone. There was a wide variety of people. Seniors, workmen, business people, kids,... And what I noticed was that they all seemed at ease and enjoying each others company. They were chatting and laughing effortlessly amongst one another. And it made me sad because I don't think I'm capable of doing that anymore. Now, if I go out to be with someone (which isn't often anymore) I have to kind of psych myself up beforehand. I literally think of topics I can talk about so the conversation won't dry up. I virtually panic if theres a space in the conversation (???) I feel like its me being boring so I just  blather on about stupid stuff to fill up the space. I don't know how to be 'normal' anymore.
I don't know what to talk about,... I don't know how to answer whoever I'm talking to with the right answer. I don't know how to carry myself without looking like an anxious fiddly mess.
I used to go out and enjoy myself all the time and not even think about it. But I'm afraid to now. I'm afraid that whatever I say will be stupid. I'll actually go home afterwards and go over stuff I said and get upset with myself for saying it because it was dumb. Is this making any sense at all?? Probably not. Just shows how scattered my brain is right now.
I have three more packing days until I move. And I am seriously freaking out about it. I can't sleep because I lay in bed thinking "Oh, I mustn't forget to do that,.. or Don't forget to change your address with so & so,... or Did I remember to do that??" These thoughts just go round and round my head. Swirling about. Sleep never comes.
Actually on Friday night I had been up for days and was so exhausted I took my prescribed (large) dose of Seroquel - 700mg  (I usually only take a fraction - 100mg  - of what the Dr prescribes as it makes me too stoned to function) with the intention of it putting me to sleep finally. Well it worked. I slept until today!! That's was 33 hours!! And you would think because of all that sleep I would feel rested. But I don't. I'm an anxious, nervous mess. I will never sleep tonight now. So I know I'll just go back & forth from the computer to the TV and back to the computer again. My concentration is so low I just can't sit still at one thing right now. I know it's all due to the move. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Anxiety is an awful emotion to feel when theres way too much of it. It's still exacerbating my eating issues. (which means I'm barely eating at all,...)
Anyway, I'm not going to write anymore tonight. My mind is too scrabbled. I'm not myself at all.

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