Tuesday, February 8, 2011

feeling so hopeless right now

I can't believe how quickly things have been deteriorating for me. Just a month ago I seemed to be on the up-swing feeling some-what better and even getting up everyday at an earlier and more respectful hour and getting things done during the day. MOTIVATED!
But over the past few weeks I have been slipping. And now it's gotten to a point where I am again feeling hopeless. I have been having many suicidal thoughts and urges. I have been planning. I just don't feel like there is future for me. At 47 yrs old if I were ever able to finally get it together and be able to live a normal life (job, friends, etc,..) I certainly would have attained that goal by now. But I haven't. My whole adult life I have floundered around. I can't hold down a job,.... I can't maintain healthy long-term relationships,...I have lost my family (Mother and brothers no longer want me in their lives) So I feel really alone. But the BPD in me causes this doesn't it? "I love you but I'm going to sabotage our relationship so you leave me forever,..." leaving me feeling like a complete failure and an unwanted loser. WHY do I do this??? Why,.. why,...why,...
My living conditions have slowly deteriorated with each passing year. I am now moving to a basement apartment that is the worst one I've lived in yet. I have no money. I'm so sick of being poor. I'm so sick of being lonely. I'm so sick of not having the mentality or tools to make it on my own. I'm so sick of life. I've been struggling for over 30 years and things just get worse and worse over time instead of better. I'm tired.
I'm really, really tired of it all.
I got up at noon (always do now) and I've done nothing but cry since I got up. Everything seems so futile. Why do I bother?
I feel like such a failure. Why can't I be 'normal' and get a job and go to it every single day like normal people. I have worked before but I always 'crash' at some point where I can't get out of bed and I don't call in sick and I get fired. (again,... Why do I do this?) I burn so many bridges that I don't think I can even get a job anymore because I don't have a resume anymore. Just a whole lot of jobs I've messed up and huge gaps in between of not working at all. I don't have the energy anymore to try and lie my way around this to try and even get another job. ~ I'll only lose it within a year.
I'm so sad. I'm so ashamed of myself for being such a fuck-up that I can't even maintain a 'living' existence for myself. I am sinker deeper and deeper into poverty. And poverty is not fun. Food banks, NEVER going out because you can't even afford to buy a coffee. I'm un-healthy because food bank never gives meat, fruit or veg and I live off of boxed non-perishables. I get sick a lot and I'm sure this is why. I have no friends because they stop calling to invite me out when I decline too many times as I don't have the money even for a movie. Certainly no money for dinner and a few drinks. To me,... that's a 'rich' life that I will never see.
I'm so tired of it all!!!!
My mind is feeling very scattered right now which is why this blog entry is all over the place. I'm just too depressed to concentrate properly or write anything worth reading.
In writing this I'm just hoping to 'get it all out' and feel better because of it. But it didn't work I'm still crying. Still feel sad and depressed. I'm still paralyzed in my black fog of hopelessness.
And I'm asking the age old question,... "Why Me?" I was born and brought up a Christian but I have to ask myself,... "What did I ever do in my life that was so bad that I have had to endure 47 years of a mental illness that has given me no end of heartache, loneliness and struggle?"
Today has been such a bad day.  :-(

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