Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Breaking down from stress

The move is getting closer. (Thursday) and my anxiety level is at an all time high. I don’t ever remember moving being this stressful before. And I have moved a lot! I am a Virgo so I am usually well-organized and ready to go with everything. But right now,… not at all. There is still a ton of stuff to be packed. I look around me and think "honestly, how hard is it to take your stuff and put it into a box and then tape it shut??"   Well, apparently for me it's just too hard. I can't get my mind to focus. So I just sit in the middle of the room amounst the kaos and cry.  ~ sigh ~!

But earlier today I got some other stuff done. I did all the laundry I could because the washing machine at my new apartment is broken so I will have to drive to a laundromat to do washing once I’ve moved out of here. I did 5 loads so far. (bedding, sheets, towels, clothes,etc,…) I also ran around getting my address changed for my driver’s licence, Health card,...etc,… So in that sense I was productive.

But when I got home I got a call from the movers saying they were going to be much later arriving Thursday as they have to load another persons apartment up in WINDSOR (2 hour drive away from me) before they load up my stuff. So instead of 8:00am as they promised it’s now going to be more like 2 or 3 in the afternoon.Um,… Mr. Moving Man,... I don’t like change. I like schedules and lists and timetables. I don’t like sudden changes of plans. I'm severely depressed,... have BPD as well as bipolar,... You don't fuck around with that combination Mr. I tend to become off-balance and panic and then start to cry,... not a pretty sight for you. (Wished I had said that out loud but,... not brave enough). So I just agreed with everything he said and hung up. He sounded so flaky about the whole thing that now I’m starting to get a tad worried about it all. When I'm in this high anxiety state every little thing is blown way out of proportion and I crash from the pressure of it all.

This is just one of those times in my life when I wished I wasn’t alone. I feel so overwhelmed with it all right now. I feel so much pressure to get it all done. My coping skills aren’t great at the best of times. Right now I have to keep fighting the urge to not freak out altogether. I just keep telling myself that two more days and it will be done. Two more days and I get to see my girls. Two more days and I can relax,… But oh how I’m going to hate the time until then.

I have a tattoo on the inside of my right wrist that says    “Just Breathe”    Good advice at the moment. Every time I doubt I’ll be packed in time and feel myself starting to panic I just remind myself.  Stop for a minute and just breathe,… It WILL all get done and this time on Saturday I will be sat on my couch in my new apartment with a nice glass of Australian Merlot laughing at myself for getting so damn worked up about it all.

But tonight? I think I need a hug,... sniff,..sniff,...

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