Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Looking forward

I haven't written on here for a bit. I'm happy to say that I've been busy. I haven't been able to say that in a very long time. Since I moved here to St. Thomas (Ontario) 2 yrs ago I have been very depressed. I didn't bother getting to know anyone or get involved in anything so the past 2 yrs have been me staying in my apt doing nothing. PATHETIC I know but nothing I did seemed to shake me out of this depression. It was horrible. Paralyzing.
So when my lease came up, I decided to move back to Tottenham (Ontario, Canada ~ not England) where my two daughters live with their Dad. I originally moved here, 3 hrs away, because it is so much cheaper and I can't afford to live in Tottenahm. But I have had enough. I know that not having my girls in my life contributed to my depression in a big way. Any mother will tell you that their children are their lives and without them, their life isn't complete. With me, It wasn't even worth living.
So, I took out an advance on my credit card ~ more damn debt ~ but I don't care. I feel in my heart if I don't do this, I will waste away in a pile of black depression eventually committing suicide before the next year is out. (I know this is true becasue I have had a few attempts already last year) Yes, things are that bad. So I decided not to worry about more debt. My main and only goal is getting back to my daughters.
I found an apt close to them last week. It's really cheap. And on the ad it looked brilliant. So I drove the 3 and a half hours out there to look at it. It's a basement apt in a country house. A horse farm. It's filthy. It's small. Theres no closets or cupboards. No storage. It's in a rural house so theres mice. In short,... It's a dive. BUT I DON'T CARE!! I can clean it. I have slowly been getting rid of a lot of my stuff at the charity shop. (9 loads so far) so I won't need the space I have now. I have a cat for the mice. All I saw when looking at it was the fact that I am going to be in my daughters lives once again. So I took it. It's a really big step down for me. Honestly, this place really is a dump. And once I move in I may find myself feeling depressed again because of the condition it's in. But I hope not. I really am going to try and look forward and upward in 2011. I am so sick of wallowing in that horrible, dark depression I was in (still am but struggling the best I can to move forward) It's really hard to do. Anyone who suffers from it knows the deep roots it has on you and how paralyzing it can be. Honestly, It has left me feeling totally hopeless, helpless and full of despair. But from here on in I am going to FIGHT MY WAY BACK! I want my life back!
I am having to pack this whole apt by myself. It's been hard. When you suffer from depression, decisions don't come easy. I find myself standing in the middle of the room with a sea of boxes around me. Twice I have sunk to the floor in tears with the over-whelming-ness (not a word I know) of it all. But then I think of my girls and it helps to get me going. I am doing baby steps. Because I have 5 weeks to move, I can some-what take my time. So I tell myself that I have to to 12 boxes a day. That's all. And most days, that's all I can cope with. of course theres other stuff to deal with too. Deciding which stuff to get rid of. It's really sad to 'liquify' your life. But I have no choice. I'm going to an apt half the size so half of my furniture, etc,.. has to go. It's been agonizing. Everything I own comes with a memory. But it had to be done. So I am slowly letting it all go.
When I get teary and sad and depressed,.... I think of my girls. The power of love. It is definitely keeping me going.
So, even though the apt is a dump. I am still looking forward to going. And once I'm settled I will be concentrating on doing everything I can to help get myself better. My girls deserve their Mom back.

I was also reading "Bipolar and me" blog. She wrote about taking better care of herself in the future. And that is what I am going to do too. I haven't worn make-up in over a year. I wear nothing but sweats. I don't care what my hair looks like. In short, I've turned into a frumpy mess. NO MORE! From here on in, make-up every day. Jeans instead of sweats. Hair to be done. Weight to be lost. Walks everyday (or at least on days when its above zero ~ very cold in Canada right now) I think this too will be a big help.
But my biggest goal of 2011?? Getting a job! But I can't think of all that yet. Baby steps. Get the packing done. Get moved. Get unpacked. and then,.... I can look forward at the rest of my goals. ONE DAY AT A TIME,.......
*I also tell myself that I need to feel blessed that I have a place to live at all ~ only a few weeks ago I was looking at losing everything and going into a shelter ~ So I am happy and grateful that I will have an apt of my own*

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