Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I just don't know what to do

I haven't written in a few days. My life is spiralling out of control. I have been so depressed that I can't seem to do anything. I have been writing this blog because it is the only place that is safe to vent. So when i got that nasty comment from anonymous it just knocked me for 6. I don't have the tools right now to deal with that kind of hatred. So I took it all to heart, believed every word he wrote and tried to Overdose.
I was so distraught that I just wasnt' thinking clearly. I felt that every word he said, everyone out in the 'real-healthy' world really did believe that I'm a fucked up waste of space. I felt so alone and hated.
I couldn't find any 'good' drugs to OD with so I did a terrible thing and took 30 (500mg) tylenol. (I did this twice in a week and a half) I know all about this drug and how you can be fine for 2 or 3 days and then the symptoms start. (I worked in a medical clinic for 2 yrs ~ I KNOW BETTER) It was horrible. I was totally nauseated for 24 hrs where I couldn't move. I couldn't eat. I just felt really, really ill. And then after the nausea left I got a dull ache in my back in my upper right hand side. Pretty sure that's the liver. But luckily it went away after about a day. But then, still so depressed I could barely move I did the whole thing all over again. So about 4 days after the first round, I stupidly did it all again. Took 30 tylenol. I am now over the nausea period. And so far, no pain in my back. So I think I just didn't take enough and I'm pretty sure that I will be fine. I just feel drained. I obviously didn't take enough. Which I still can't tell you if that is a good or bad thing right now. I'm sitting on the fence.
I also got word that my rent increased by $20.00. And anyone reading this blog knows how much I am struggling financially right now so this is just $20.00 too much that I just don't have. So I need to move. But I can't find the money to get 1st & last months rent plus the cost of the actual movers. I've tried everything. My Mom won't lend it to me. My brother wont' help. I can't get an advance on any of my credit cards. But I have no choose and have to leave this apt by March 31st. I AM PANICKING! I have been scouring the Internet looking for a new apt that I can afford but I can't find anything. I have decided that if I am moving, I will be moving back to the area where my 2 daughters live. Which is great. But how can I do this if I don't have the money??? Panic, panic, panic,.....
I have actually called a few places but they want credit checks and won't take me because I am on disability. They don't come right out and say that's the reason but they are always enthusiastic until I tell them (I can't hide this fact-they check all income) and then suddenly they find a reason I can't have the apt. What am i suppose to do? I can't find the money ~ I can't afford to stay here ~ No one will accept my rental application,.... It was after I learned all this that I attempted the second round of Tylenol because I feel so helpless. I feel like I don't have any options left to me. I am a bundle of anxiety right now. I have been homeless before (for a month where I stayed in a hotel but I lost EVERYTHING that I owned that didn't fit into my car - furniture, everything,...) so this is a real possibility and it scares me  to death. 
How do other people manage? Certainly I'm not the only person in the world on disability due to a mental illness. How do others manage? 
I am in such a difficult place right now. I really don't know what to do. It would be so much easier for me if I had just died. But I can't even succeed at that. And the truth is, I don't want to die. I just can't live. I literally can't afford to exist. This problem is eating away inside of me. I'm so stressed and full of anxiety. I just don't know what to do,..... 

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