Thursday, January 13, 2011

Girl interrupted

I just watched "Girl Interrupted" for about the fifth time. I have to admit that this movie is a trigger for me. I haven't been doing too bad in the past few weeks after about 2 years of really bad depression. But after I saw this movie it just brought back so many memories and thoughts. Although I have never spent a year in a psychiatric hospital like Susanna Keyson did, I have had numerous stays ( 6 or 7??) of about a month each time. They were really awful, low periods in my life. Most occurring after an overdose.
It made me sad again because I related to so much in the movie. I felt the things that Susanna did. I have behaved the way some of the girls in this movie did. It brought home to me that I was once really sick. Am I now? Hmmm,... I'm pretty depressed. I have suicidal thoughts and urges. But I don't think I'm as sick as I have been in the past. But, It scares me that my moods change so quickly. How I can be feeling a bit better and then wham,... I'm back to feeling low ~ depressed ~ useless ~ hopeless,....
Maybe I'm just sad because this movie brought back memories of my lowest times. I dont' know if this sudden plunge into depression is just a passing mood from the movie or if I'll wake up tomorrow feeling the same depression I have been feeling for the past 2 yrs. I thought I was getting better. But now I wonder if I will always be triggered by movies or memories or thoughts and that I will always struggle with being up one day and down the next. I'm 47. I've been this way for a long time. I have to think that if I was going to finally "get completely well" and never feel sad or depressed again it certainly would have happened by now. I think this movie just reminded me that I will always struggle with my depression and BPD. That I will never be truly "recovered" and that makes me sad. Because anyone with a mental illness knows that it's not an easy life to live. It's a constant struggle. I guess I'm just sad because I'm reminded that this cycle will continue probably for the remainder of my life. And that's not a nice thought.
But, tomorrow is another day. And hopefully with a good nights sleep the feelings stirred up tonight will be gone by the morning. And I can tell myself that it was just a trigger. And when you know it's a trigger,... you can tell yourself that and put it behind you and move forward. I have made myself plans and goals in the past few weeks. I've made the decision to move back to be close to my daughters in a new apt. So I have to look forward.
Do any other people get this affected by movies,etc,.... and how do they deal with it? I guess that's why I like blogging and twitter. I meet other people with the same illnesses and I can write exactly what I feel and know that they all understand because they live it too. And we all help each other through these little set backs.
(So thanks everyone,...) And now I'm off to bed.

No comments: