Monday, January 24, 2011

Alright to depressed. So quickly. ????

I don't know why but my moods fluctuate a lot. Today I woke up at the crack of NOON (the seroquel still in my system combined with my "never seem to be able to go to bed before 3" issue) I went on the computer for a while. Watched TV for awhile. Then impulsively decided to drive all the way into London (Ontario) an hour away to go to a specialty pet shop to find something that I can use on my cat for the 3 and a half hour drive she has to take with me the day we move. Found what I needed. (Some special calming spray) Then I go outside to find that its nearly a blizzard outside. OK, this is Canada. I am very used to driving in wintry conditions. But it wasn't pleasant. Got home, ate dinner then watched a movie. All of a sudden I realize I am really depressed. Suddenly my thoughts go dark. I feel utterly hopeless and useless and all I want to do is die. Not be here anymore. I didn't act on these urges. But I was concerned at just how quickly I can go from ho-hum not feeling too bad ~~~ to really depressed in the space of an hour or two. My thoughts turned to "Why am I moving? It's putting you in debt $2,900.00.  Do you really think changing your location will suddenly make you "well" which will suddenly make you able to finally get it together to hold down a job? (No) Do you really think it will take away your anxiety and depression? (No) Do you really think it's going to change anything at all? (No) I'm still going to be mentally ill. I'm still not going to be comfortable socializing and making new friends (so I know I won't) In fact,... my life is going to be just as shit in the new place as it is here. So why am I doing it?
And this is how it goes with me. I can turn hopeless and depressed in minutes and nothing or no one can pull me out of it or change my mind. Right now, I just want to take a bunch of pills so I can fall into a deep, deep sleep so I just don't have to deal with these moods anymore. But I don't have any pills. So instead, I will take some Gravol and maybe a couple extra Seroquel and go to bed. It will probably make me sleep until tomorrow evening. But I don't care. That is what I want. I want time where I don't have to feel. I don't have to cope. I don't have to deal,.... I just have to sleep. And I won't have to be consumed by this horrible black fog of my depression.

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