Sunday, October 31, 2010

Wrote the "letter" but didn't do it

I seem to be quite down now. Most of my day I am so depressed I can't drag myself off of the couch. I at least try and have a shower everyday as that usually kick-starts me into doing something else like the dishes or laundry. But today the shower was all I managed to motivate myself to do.
I'm so tired of this. Friday night I actually sat down and wrote the "sorry to you all" letter and was ready to end it all. I actually felt better and calmer after I wrote it. Like the decision was made and I knew there would finally be an end to all this depression.
But, I didn't take the pills. Have no idea why. Just spent the rest of the night on the couch feeling comfortable because I knew they were right there in front of me and I was free to take them at any time. I just didn't take them.
And over the weekend I have been in this very gloomy, melancholy, sad, blah mood. In fact I am so sad and exhausted and full of nothingness that I didn't even have the energy to kill myself.
And tonight, two days later, I still feel very lethargic and sad but I have made the decision to not kill myself. I have managed to talk to my 'logical' self and remind myself that I have been off of medication for a long time now and once I go to the doctor on Nov 8th only a week from now I will tell him all this and he will get me back on medication and within the month I know I will start to feel a bit better.
Yes, for now I can't even stand to live in my own body. But I just have to tell myself that this depression will lift enough that I will want to live again.
Not much else I can say really. Besides, I'm too numb and empty to blog

Friday, October 29, 2010

Finally got my computer back!

Well it's been nearly 2 weeks and I don't even want to say how much $$$$ but I finally got my computer back today. It crashed and died and I lost everything that was on it. This is now a brand new - clean slate with the new Windows 7 operating system (which I'm still getting used to) so tonight I'm just in the process of trying to put all my web-sites back on my desktop, etc,.... Then tomorrow I will sit down and catch you all up with everything over the past 2 weeks.
I guess I have a lot of catching up reading all your blogs as well. Hope you are all doing alright. :-)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Just opened a Facebook account - Visit Me!!!!

Hi everyone,...
I just opened a brand new Facebook account so I can hopefully connect with others who suffer with mental illness. But so far I don't have any friends!!!!  So come on over & visit and add me as your friend. http://www.facebook.com/#!/BipolarIndigo

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Euthanasia for long-term chronic depression

Controversial topic,...
I have been depressed for most of my adult life. From puberty onward, some thirty years now, I have struggled with the misery of severe and chronic depression. It's been bad. Bad enough that I have lost everything because of it. My family, my marriage, my children, my friends, my home,.... Theres nothing left now. I also don't have a future. I can't work to support myself but can't get enough benefits to survive. I have nothing for retirement. I am poor. I use the food bank, I am in a lot of debt. I can't pay my bills. Nobody wants to help me in my family. In fact, no one in my family likes me and we have very little contact. So WHY am I being forced to stay alive??
If I was an animal I would have been put down years ago.
I think, that severe depression is a cruel thing to live with. And to have it for over 30 years is even crueler. So PLEASE, society, I BEG YOU,... please let me go,.... Let me finally have an end to this torture. I want a humane Doctor to read this. I want this Doctor to contact me and tell me that he agrees with me and that he is willing to help. That he will assist me in a humane end to my life. 
But this will never happen. For some reason society feels its wrong to end this kind of suffering. But they don't have to live it. I don't understand my family. They feel suicide is wrong, but refuse to be a part of my life. So why do they care if I live or die?
This attitude and thinking has got to change.
Long-term severe depression is HELL & I should be given the option to end it.
So many people will have strong feelings on this. Unfortunately of the "No Euthanasia" variety. But I feel differently. I am the one suffering. I want out. I want it to end. End of story.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Seroquel and Liver Damage?

My doctors office called me on Monday to tell me that my doctor wants me to come in as she wants to talk to me about my last set of blood work. For those not following, I have now had two blood tests that show 'abnormal' for my liver in the past 6 weeks. So she wants me to get more blood work done (which I did this morning) and then see her on Monday. Now I don't have a doctor here in St. Thomas because I couldn't find one when I moved here so I have been using my old doctor who lives in Newmarket 3 and a half hours drive away. So I'm thinking shes not going to make me drive all that way just to say the tests are fine. So I'm,... concerned. I'm not scared or anxious,... it just has me a bit concerned. I have been taking Seroquel for over 2 years now in large doses. I have been reading that this drug can cause liver problems so I am concerned. I will let you all know what happens when I get home Tuesday.
In the meantime, Has anyone else had problems with Seroquel in this way? I had no idea until now that this could be a damaging drug.
Anyone else had any experience with this drug or problems that they had because of it?????

Monday, October 18, 2010

My computer is working - but I'm holding my breath!

Wow, I somehow got my computer to come on today! It has been completely dead for the past few days. But I persistently kept turning it on & off until I could get a screen and once that happened I worked on it for about 4 hours. So far? It's working. But this has happened many times before. I get it working and then a short while later it crashes again into a complete DEAD blob. So fingers crossed,... breath held,... eggshells walked on,.... I am praying I have fixed it enough that I can continue with my blogging & tweeting cuz that is what is getting me through these past few months. My virtual friends in the Bipolar/mental illness world - You ALL mean so much to me!!!!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

no more internet

My computer died. Fried. Won't even turn on!!! So I have been forced to cancel my internet. I am completely heartbroken about this cuz the internet is my lifeline. I have no idea when (or even IF) I will ever be able to afford a new one. I will REALLY miss my blogging and twittering. :-(

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

what to do?

This past few weeks I've really gone down hill. I hardly sleep anymore. I'm so depressed I can't do the simpliest of tasks. My apartment is a mess. I can't stop crying. I should probobly be in the hospital but I don't know anyone here in town so I have no one to look after my cat or to take care of my bills, etc,.... Besides who WANTS to be in hospital? God I don't even want to BE at all,....

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Can't Face Today,...

Can't face today. Too many people have diapointed me. So Fuck It! I am going to bed for a very, very long sleep.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Hurt & Frustrated

I'm so hurt & frustrated right now. I know I have to move when my lease is up in March (or I'll be evicted) but I don't have the money to move. First & last months rent plus the cost of movers. I have moved 6 times in the past 10 years so I know all about the stress and cost of moving. This will be my 7th move since 2000.
So, I bit the bullet and swallowed my pride and called my mother to ask her for some help. She just sold her (mortgage free) home that she has lived in for over 45 yrs so I know she has got money from that. She is moving into a retirement home in 3 weeks which is exactly what she needed to do as shes 82 yrs old and in bad health so the house was too much for her.
My brother (yes, the brother that hates me and makes no bones about letting me know that) is 'taking care of everything' for her. I was upset that neither her or him decided to let me know any of these plans until they were done. I found out after the decisions were all made. OK, knowing I'm oversensitive I decided to chalk that one down to me being paranoid. But tonight after I asked my Mom to help and she said no, I then learned that she just GAVE her car to my brother. No money. Just GAVE. OK, it's my Moms car and shes entitled to do with it as she pleases but my brother is a tool & die mechanic and makes great money and is living a very good life. I, on the other hand, am going through a really bad patch and could use a bit of help right now. But it now looks like I'm not going to get any. When questioning my Mom on stuff like where her furniture's going, etc,... she was pretty evasive and didn't want to talk about it.
Now, I'm not going to get into my family history here because its a long history.  But my brother is all about MONEY. That's all hes after. When my Mom lay waiting for her triple bypass surgery four years ago, my brother had the nerve to hand her a piece of paper and pen and ask her to write a will excluding our other brother. I was gob-smacked. Not only at the timing but at his selfishness. (My other brother excluded himself from the family 10 yrs ago so no one really has contact with him, but still,...) Luckily, she refused. Now I'm finding out that my brother has been convincing my Mom that me and everything that goes with me and my illness is just too much drama for her so she needs to just cut me out. This was not said in so many words but very apparent none the less. My mother doesn't do anything now without my brothers say so. He is definitely running the show.
He is also upset with me because I am adopted and I had the 'audacity' to have a relationship with my biological Aunt over the past 15 yrs. He now feels I'm not 'really' a part of their family anymore if I could do that to them. I strongly believe that everything he does is calculated to getting his hands on money. I despise him.
I LOVE my mother. I was obviously disappointed and upset that she chose not to help me when I so desperately need the help right now. But I'm not angry at her. I love her. I am more upset that I have been left out of all the family decisions. I'm not feeling like I'm part of the family anymore. And that's what hurts. My Mom is old and frail and can't really deal with a lot so I don't blame her in the least. But I am sad that she has chosen to allow it. I've been her daughter for 45 yrs and for the past 7 I have felt like an outsider. It's an absurd thing to say but right now I feel like an orphan. That I have no family. The only family I have right now are my two daughters. (16 & 20 who live 300 km away). I guess I'm pretty heart-broken about it all.
My brother can take advantage of her financially all he wants to. I don't want her money. I want HER! I want her to love and care for me like she did when I was a kid. And I'm so gutted that that will never happen. I love her. I miss her. But she is gone to me now. And that breaks my heart.
When I got off of the phone with her tonight I immediately broke into tears. And the 'illness' in me impulsively had me wanting to run for pills. I mean I have just had enough of everything. The money problems, the worry of moving out of here before they evict me, (but not actually having the money to move) to use the food bank, missing my daughters,... Owing the government, owing credit card companies, I mean this has been building up for a long time and I was now at my wits end. A person can only take so much & I'm just done with it all.
So, instead of pills I got in my car and I drove and drove and drove. I ended up at the edge of town and got out of my car and went for a walk on a well known bridge for hikers. I actually stopped and contemplated just jumping off. It would all end then. No more worry,.. no more stress,... It would all be over. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I tucked my tail between my legs for being such a coward and drove home. I then cried for an hour.
But I'm still in turmoil. I still don't see an answer to my problems that stress and panic me so much. I still don't want to go on anymore. I just want peace. I haven't felt peace in my heart for a very long time.
So that's where I am right now. Fighting myself. Distracting myself with everything I can to get myself through this.  

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Sleep Issues

My sleep issues are getting well out of control. I couldn't sleep for two days and then finally fell asleep at 2am this morning. I didn't wake up until 6:00pm tonight! Thats 16 hours! I have been doing this for many months now.
If I take my prescribed medication I can't stay awake. It leaves me completely stoned and always fighting to stay awake.
If I take NO medication then I can't sleep. I'm up for 24 hours everyday wrecking havic on my sleeping pattern. You can't lead a normal life when you do this.
No one out there in the 'real' (people without mental health issues & lead normal lives) world can understand this behaviour and therefore I have no friends. It's impossible to have relationships with anyone when you lead this crazy sleep-issued life.
I just want to be normal!!!! I just can't cope with this problem. And I don't know how to change it. I'm so angry with myself for being this way. Yet another self-sabotaging action.

Monday, October 4, 2010

bit better today

It's 6:30pm and I haven't even been to bed from the night before. I have been suffering this terrible insomnia for the past few months. Last night I gave up trying to sleep and read a book all night instead. So, needless to say I'm feeling kinda ratty today.
One of the problems I've been having (especially the past 3 months) is that I can't get anything done. I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with everyday tasks and demands. Everything seems like climbing a mountain. Most days, just managing to finally get in the shower is a huge accomplishment. I have a list of things that need doing but can't seem to get my shit together to even look at it. How can you explain to people that deciding what to wear can take 5 minutes cuz you just can't pull your thoughts together enough to figure it out.
But today I knew that I had to go and get a 'top-up' for my cell phone. If I didn't add time onto it today, I would lose the $50.00 already on there. (If you lapse a payment they throw you back to zero) so I knew I needed to get out and buy that TELUS card. And of course going out means I need to take a shower and then actually do my hair instead of throwing it into a ponytail. As ridiculous as it sounds, this small task seemed out of my reach today. I just couldn't get going. But finally late in the afternoon I got in the shower. I then drove to WalMart and did a shopping (which I had to put on a credit card cuz I am flat broke-but I have to EAT) I bought the Telus card, came home and topped up my cell phone. Then, I even picked up the phone & called the doctors cuz I missed my app't with him last week. (they were pissed but hey, I'm trying, depression makes you miss things,...) and then I called my Mother. She wasn't home and I was secretly glad because I just wasn't up to the 'happy' conversation. Just doing these little things all in one afternoon has been HUGE for me. I feel less like a slug and a tiny bit more like 'real' people. But, having said that. I am now totally exhausted physically and mentally and all I want to do now is plop in front of the TV and watch Coronation Street & Eastenders. How on earth could such a small list of things to do take so much out of me????
This bout of depression has been the longest and darkest one that I have had in quite some time. I hate this illness.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Feeling so Judged!

I am feeling so judged right now. I have another blog that I have been writing on for the past few years. But it's my 'vanilla' blog. The one where I'm not mentally ill. Where I write about all the niceties of my day to day life. Basically it's just a blog on trying to prove to the world that I'm 'normal' and I'm just like 'them'.
But because the past 2 yrs have been so bad for me, I have totally isolated and stopped socializing. So, I think everyone started asking what the hell was up with me. Very few of these people knew I suffered from 3 mental illnesses. I think they were all a bit surprised when last month I just "came out" and wrote a blog post on why I had basically disappeared off of every ones radar. I was ill.
But, now the back-lash is starting. All the facebook messages and rumours floating around. Peoples opinion of me are starting to come to light. But of course, these people havent' been in my life for a VERY long time and they don't have a CLUE what I have been through or why.
And now I'm feeling like I have to justify my actions over the past 10 years. Why do I feel this need to explain myself? I SHOULD be thinking to hell with all of you. You weren't bothered enough to call/write/visit over the past 10 years so really who are you to me? But still, inside, I feel this need to explain. I think I'm so worried about peoples opinion of me and worried that they've got me all wrong and worried that they all hate me and have written me off. I'm worried that they have all 'sided' with my family. (My loved ones who totally don't get me and my illness and therefore have chosen not to be a part of my life)
WHY? Why do I feel this need to be liked and understood? Why do i feel this need to explain why I am the way I am and why do I feel this need to justify my actions and decisions and behaviours over the past 10 years that have brought me to this place of loneliness and poverty and isolation? I hate that I am so weak. I should just tell them all to shut up and fuck off - If you cared you would still be in my life. But you don't so just fuck off.
But this needy little girl deep inside me is crying out for acceptance. I WANT to be liked. I WANT to be cared for. I WANT to have friends and a normal social life. I WANT people to understand me and my trials with depression/Bipolar/BPD. I hate myself for being so needy.
Do I get on my 'other' blog and try and explain why I did the things I did over the past 10 years? Or do I let it go - which I know will eat away inside of me cuz I just can't bear the fact that there are people who think so badly of me.
I think I need a little bit more time to think about this. Because whatever goes on that other blog, will be read by lots of people who used to be great friends and loved ones. I'm not anonymous on that blog at all. I will be naked for everyone to see, judge and decide what they really think of me.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

So conflicted,....

It's really eerie right now. I am in the middle with contact from a 'friend' on twitter who is in trouble. She is wanting to kill herself. So I am trying like crazy to get through to her to tell her to stop taking anymore pills. In public, by direct message & also by email. Things are still up in the air.
But I totally know how she feels and I totally understand how you just can't bear another minute of this mental torture. mental illness is just so PAINFUL and I get that shes in pain. But I need for her to stop and NOT DO THIS. I'm so conflicted. I feel like such a hypocrite because I know this need to end it and I know the peaceful feeling when you make the decision to go ahead and take those pills. I know the relief from the pain. But I still don't want her to do it. So am I forcing her to continue on with a life of pain or am I "doing the right thing" in trying to get her to stop. If it were me? I would continue on to get the relief,.. but becasue its not me I want her to stop. I'm such a hypocrite.
Today is hard. I'm just not feeling like anything is worth it today. If I had it my way today would be my last day on this earth. I've had enough. I'm done. But (thank God) something is keeping me from doing anything serious. Something is telling me to just take it minute by minute today. And thats what I'm doing. Each passing minute is a win for me. Baby steps,...
I'm at that mentally I just can't go on but logically I know I have to. And it really, really sucks cuz I'm just so fed up with life. This is torture.