Thursday, September 30, 2010

I feel like I am in a holding tank. Like my life has been 'on hold' since my last drop in mood which has now lasted for well over 2 years now. But this time it feels different because this time there is no 'exit' door or window. I feel like this time I am stuck in this holding tank of life until the end of my life. That I will not get better this time. The illness has gone on far too long and deep this time for me to be even the least bit optimistic about my future.
So what do I do now? I just sit here and wait to die? I'm 47. Waitting to die could be another 50 years! But I just don't feel like I have it in me to change. I'm way too depressed. Way too beyond caring if I do get better. I can't work to support myself so that makes the quality of my life really bad. I fear I am slowly on the way to homelessness once again. If you can't work. You can't support yourself financially. And I know for a fact, the government doens't offer enough to sustain an existence. You have to live with someone else to get by. You have to have someone else to share all your bills with in order to survive. But no one would ever live with me.
So instead, I sit in Gods holding tank waiting for the ax to fall. Death or homelessness. those are the only two options left for me now and I guess I just have to sit here and wait for God to choose which option it will be and when.
I am so sick of this life.
I HATE what my life has become.
I just dont' know why I have to endure this anymore.
I don't understand it at all.

Pledge | Stamp Out Stigma

Pledge Stamp Out Stigma

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I am having an anxiety/panic attack right now. I just did my banking and for the first time ever I am short $337.00 this month to pay my bills. I have not even included food so that means I have $0.00 for groceries until the end of October. Food Bank again. Which I hate but am resolved to the fact if I want to eat, I have no choice but to use it. But they only give you enough for a week or so and you can only go every 8 WEEKS! So, you do the math,... I'm in trouble big this month. Hence the panic attack. I just don't know what to do anymore. And to top it off, My youngest daughters birthday is Oct 19th. She lives with her Dad and step-Mom in their quarter million dollar home with their hot-tub, sauna,... (you get the picture) so she will not understand that I really do have NOTHING to give her for her birthday and I have no money to even get gas to drive out there (300km away) to see her. I've been homeless before so I know I am now just one step away from being homeless again. And the winter is coming. I am losing it. Freaking,... panicing,... I HATE MY LIFE!!! As I said in my last post,... why do I bother? I'm searching for the reason but can't come up with one. God, sometimes I think my cat is the only reason I stay alive.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I'm so pissed off with myself

Usually I sit and read everyone Else's blogs before I write a post but today I can't. I have this depression in me right now that is so big it's bigger than me and I can't control it anymore and I just need to let off some steam cuz it's actually made me really angry tonight. I am so pissed off with myself. This depression/bipolar/BPD,... whatever it is these damn doctors keep diagnosing me with has ruined my life. And instead of working hard to get better, It's actually getting worse with each passing year.
I saw my youngest daughter today for an hour. That always tugs at my heart at the best of time but today even more so because it really drove home what I have lost because of this disease(s). My marriage, my daughters (I lost custody after a suicide attempt & didn't get to see them for 3 yrs after that) my family (parents & brothers) my home, my job, my friends,... I have lost EVERYTHING! And now I am living alone in an apt I am going to lose shortly (cuz I can't afford) using the food bank and I can't even muster the energy to leave these walls for sometimes weeks at a time. And I have to ask myself why? Why do I have this illness? Why can't I get better this particular time (as I have had real up times as well as down in the past years) What did I do that was so bad that I deserve this illness?  And I hate myself for having it. Because of it I have sabotaged my entire life. I have made terrible, impulsive, irresponsible choices that have changed my life,... taken things away from me that I will never get back,....And it's too late to 're-do'. I will never get my marriage back - or custody of my children. I only see them about once every 6-8 weeks and for only a few hours at a time. I will never get my father back (he passed away so can't make amends) My mother who really doesn't want me in her life so we rarely see or speak with each other. My brothers hate me and have openly said they never want to see me again. I spend so many holidays alone it breaks my heart. And of course the worse these things get, the more depressed I get so it's a viscous cycle. And now I'm at the point where I just throw up my hands and wonder why the hell do I keep torturing myself? It's obvious I'm never going to get better. Right now I can't even balance a check book or string 3 thoughts together without collapsing in tears and taking to my bed for days on end. I have NO confidence. No self worth. I'm incapable of keeping a job. Which basically means I'm incapable of taking care of myself financially. (The past 30 years have proven this beyond a doubt). So why am I here? Each of my days runs into the next. Days are nights,... nights are days,.... no structure. No communication with anyone,... no social life,... no life at all. TV, computer, sleep, crying, hating myself. That's my life. I hate waking up each day now. It's like I open my eyes and think,... "Fuck,... I have to go through another day???" I'm such a fucking loser. I am, quite literally, a waste of space. I do nothing,.. I mean nothing,... I am nothing,... my life is nothing,.... so why does God keep me around? Take someones cancer away and let me die instead. WHY am I here????? When society becomes too expensive for me to exist in,... when society becomes too difficult emotionally/mentally & physically for me to exist in anymore how am I suppose to keep myself here without eventually becoming a street person. A statistic of another 'mentally ill homeless person' (which I've been before so it's a VERY REAL fear for me. I don't understand why I'm being made to exist in a world where I feel nothing but pain. Can anyone answer this for me? Does anyone else feel this way?  How do others continue to get up and put one foot in front of the other regardless? I am really having a hard night tonight. I feel unworthy of this space I am occupying in this world and feel there are so many other people out there who deserve to live life much more than I do. So why do good, loving wonderful people die and I am made to stay? I just don't understand it.

Monday, September 27, 2010

NO Energy!

Back to Newmarket (Ontario Canada) to the surgeons office to get my stitches removed and make sure the hand healed alright after the surgery. So I HAVE to go - no choice there,... (7 hour round trip) But I am at an all time low right now.
Usually when I go away for a few days I ALWAYS clean my apt just in case something happens and someone has to come in and feed the cat or something. I would be humiliated if my apt wasn't spotless. I usually clean for 2 or 3 days beforehand. Get laundry done, etc,.... 
Today, I did NOTHING! I got up at noon. Couldn't get moving so sat on the couch watching my british soaps all afternoon. I even had a few panicy moments as I KNEW I had to get up off my arse and get stuff done. FINALLY around 6:00pm I made it into the shower. Then had 'breakfast' - did dishes and got on the computer to pay some bills (with money I dont have which always leaves me anxious & very panicy). I did NOT get laundry done as I didn't have any money for the machines so I'm at a loss as to what I'll end up wearing tomorrow. All my clothes are dirty. I know, I know... If I just got my shit together a few days ago and planned ahead all these issues would have been taken care of and I'd have no worries for not being ready tomorrow. But I couldn't. I tried. I really did want to and I really did try. But I just was paralyzed on that damn couch. I felt nothing. Just a nothingness depression. This is the longest I have gone through one of these 'spells'. It's starting to worry me that I'll never get over this one and I'll sink even lower into my Black Fog and never come out again. Why am I so low right now? Why can't I move? Why can't I think? Instead I'm a catatonic couch potatoe. I feel like such a useless piece of space.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Is there anyone even out there?

I'm feeling so alone. I write these posts but I'm sure no one sees them. It's the story of my life. I'm invisable. Sometimes all I want is validation that I do exist and people do read my posts and care. But so far, nothing,... I feel so alone and empty.

Lying so noone will bother me

I am still do depressed. I don't want to see or talk with anyone. I have one friend that has been hinting to me over facebook to get in touch. Shes one of those 'high maintanence' types. She doesn't drive so I end up driving her all over while she does errands, etc,...  Now don't get me wrong. Shes a lovely girl and does a lot for me too but she just keeps at me. "Call me,... call me,... get in touch,... haven't heard from you in  a few days,... call me,..." I find myself making excuse after excuse to not have to talk with her everyday. I'm just not up to talking with anyone right now let alone her who will have me driving over there to take her someplace or other. Shes so 'bubbly'. I find it draining to be around her. So much effort to act 'normal'.
So today on Facebook I actually wrote a fake status. "Going to Traceys for the BBQ - Back tomorrow,..."  I don't have a friend named tracey and I'm certainly not going to any BBQ. (I can barely get out of bed & shower!) I just needed a day of not feeling guilty that I didn't call this friend of mine. I should feel lucky that I have a friend that wants to talk to me everyday. But I don't feel lucky. I feel hounded. I just want to be by myself and isolate. To stay inside my sanctuary and not answer the phone when it rings. I just want to be by myself. It's obvious why I have no friends if this is how I am but I can't help it.
Why am I this way? Why am I so depressed that I don't even want any human contact? Why do I hate to be anywhere but in my apartment? Why can't I get up and shower? Why can't I do anything but watch TV and surf the net? Why can't I be normal? I hate this depression. I don't understand it. I don't want it. I don't want to be alive. I just want to vanish forever and never have to deal with life ever again.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Post Surgery

I'm now back from having my minor surgery Friday. (Carpal Release) There were a couple complicatins. Driving the three and a half hours home the next evening my incision burst and I had to drive to an ER to get it re-frozen & re-stitched. Then it got infected so I had to be put on some strong anit-biotics. Still feeling quite unwell. But glad it's all over with.
My doctor did find out something in regards to my bloodwork though. Apparently my liver showed signs of abnormality. So we did the test a second time. The second test showed the same so I have to re-do the test a third time in the middle of October. Now I already know why. I've had 6 drug overdoses (Yes, suicide attempts) in which 3 of those times involved LARGE amounts of prescription drugs. On top of that, I have always taken quite a 'cock-tail' of meds trying to control my Bipolar/depression/BPD. No one is admitting anything right now but it doesn't take a genius to figure out my liver has had enough and wants me to stop already with all the DRUGS!!! And the most shocking part of all? I am so sick and tired of being depressed for so many years that I actually WANT to find something wrong with me. How horrible is that? How twisted must I be to want that?? But for the past 10 years all I have wanted is to die so I can fianlly be free of this torturous disease. My suicide attempts have failed. Maybe I will finally just get sick for real! I won't have to worry about how to kill myself. My body will just do it on its own. That, folks, is just how sick I am right now. All I want is OUT!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Get my shit together already!!

I really need to get my shit together. I'm up early tomorrow to drive the 3 hours to Newmarket for a doctors app't and then (minor) surgery the next day. But I seem to be in this weird totally depressed, can't string 2 thoughts together mood-thingy. I feel disconnected. I'm really anxious now as I know tomorrow I have to be in the real world and act 'normal'. And I know that's going to take a gargantuan effort on my part. Right now, EVERYTHING is an effort. Doing the dishes is an effort,... having a shower is an effort,...
I'm a little scared too cuz this place isn't new to me. I've been here before and the other times it was just before the meltdown. I can sense the symptoms. So, for the sake of my surgery (which I just cannot cancel) and all the people I will be visiting this week while out that way (My Aunt as well as my two daughters) I just have to pull myself together. But just the thought exhausts me. It's unfortunate that I have to have fallen into this state just when I need most NOT to be unwell. I have faked it many times before. We all know well the pasted smile and I'm the life of the party only to get home and collapse on the couch a catatonic potatoe because the effort was just so damn exhausting. How am I ever going to be able to muster the energy to do this???? I'm feeling completely overwhelmed.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Feeling a bit bummed

September 7th was my 47th birthday. Yeah!! Except No one remembered. I didn't get a phone call or a card from anyone. Not my Mom, my 2 daughters or even my 2 brothers. None from friends either now that I think of it. I mean, OK, I know birthdays are really for kids but come on,... It would have been nice if someone even acknowledged I HAD a birthday at all.

And then Thursday I am driving to newmarket to have minor surgery on my hand. Because my daughters live sort of that way I thought i would make the effort to drive a bit out of the way and visit with them. The plans were all made and I was quite looking forward to it until my eldest daughter now says she forgot she already had plans for something else. So, I am now bummed about that too. I hadn't seen her in months and was really looking forward to it. Oh well. The life of these college kids,... busy, busy, busy,...
I'm tired of my sleeping issues of up all night - sleep all day. I'm tired of everything right now and feeling quite low. I'm tired of being so thoroughly depressed I haven't left my apt in over a week. I'm just tired of it all.
So, Roll on week,... Be over soon so a new week can start that will hopefully be better

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Trying to sleep

I have to change my 'up-side-down' sleeping pattern. It is wrecking havoc on my life. I let people down because I can't do anything with them as I'm asleep all day. I know almost all of my friends I had have given up on me because of this. They've just given up wondering why I don't call or do things. I make tentative plans like "tomorrow we should go shopping" but then don't call them the next day. Kind of just leave them hanging. It must be frustrating on their part. When I say things like that, at the time I have every intention of following through. I tell myself that tomorrow I'll get up early and I'll call them. But, of course, I rarely do. I'm down to one friend really and even she is getting pissed off. I can see it.
So tonight (even though I didn't wake up until 5:00pm!!) I thought I would take my medication early (Seroqel makes me very drowsy) and then I had a hot bubble bath with my Ipod on and cranked up. It was bliss. Better than sex! OK, now your all probobly wondering what kind of sex I'm having that bubble baths are better. No sex. Right now I'm having no sex - so yes,.... hot bubble baths with music is much better.  :-)
But, alas, here I am an hour later and I'm not even remotely tired. Arghh,.....

Borderline Personality Disorder - hmmmm,....

Having a very slow day. Just like I figured would happen, I didn't get into bed until 7 this morning. So of course I slept all day and didn't wake up until 5 tonight. I really do have to work harder at changing this pattern. I will have to as this week I have minor surgery. Which means I'll have to join the 'real' world and follow their rules. up in the morning - sleep at night!!! If only they knew how hard that is for me.  Arghhhh,....
I just started this blog and therefore I have just started looking for other blogs to follow. luckily I have found quite a few. And one thing that jumped out at me was there are a lot of people out there writing about "Borderline personality Disorder" which I was diagnosed with many years ago. But because my other diagnoses seemed to be the dominant problems I actually never really researched BPD at all. In fact, The only time I thought about it was when i got a new doctor and had to tell them i had it. Incidentally, both of my daughters (16 & 20) have since been diagnosed with Bipolar and BPD as well. If that's not an argument for mental illness is genetic I don't know what is. My mother also suffers from numerous mental illnesses as well. Our family has very dramatic get-to-gethers. :-)
Anyway, getting back to all of you who have been blogging about BPD, you have forced me to stop and think about me having this disorder. It's really a strong illness in itself and I now wonder if my doctors are putting too much emphasis on my depression and bipolar and totally ignoring my BPD which in turn means I'm getting the absolute wrong treatment and medication to help it. This is something I will be putting some thought into.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A tiny bit better tonight

I have been in this severe depression for about a month now. I haven't got much done.  If anyone else is reading this, PLEASE tell me that they, too, go through these deep lows that leave them totally lethargic and unable to function.
I find that the key for me to get going is SHOWERING! I know that if I can just get into the shower I always feel better for the rest of the day. I do manage to shower EVERY day becasue otherwise I just feel gross. Anyway, I finally got into the shower about 7 tonight. After that I got 3 loads of laundry done as well as grocery shopping. Later, when the phone rang, I actually answered it (as most times lately I just let it go into the answering machine) It was my youngest daughter H***** (16) who is currently living 3 and a half hours away with her Dad. We chatted for over an hour. I felt better afterwards. . So I was kind of proud of myself.  3 things accomplished in the space of 4 hours. That's epic for me lately. Not bad.
But, as usual, because I didn't wake up until late this afternoon, I won't be tired and will not go to bed until 4 or 5 in the morning again. The vicious cycle continues. And tomorrow will be another "Groundhog Day" of today. And yesterday,... and the day before that,...
I can't decide if medication is a good thing for me or not right now.
I was on 700mg of seroquel XR a day for the past year. (Yes, you heard right - 700mg!!) The doctor just did not want me on a lower dosage. But being on that much left me totally stoned. I mean can't keep my eyes open or move an inch stoned!! So without him knowing, in June, I stopped taking it altogether. For about 6 weeks I went completely drug free. Then I gradually started introducing myself to small doses. Now I take about 200 mg every other day.
I noticed two things. Firstly - I had no idea just how stoned I was until I came off of it. I mean I think I completely slept through a year of my life! but secondly, I have plummet into this severe depression. So which is the lesser of the two evils? Being so stoned you sleep your life away or being so depressed you just want life to end. There is a difference.
So thats where I'm at right now. Does everyone deal with medication issues?? I know I have for about 20 years. I have tried every depression/bipolar drug out there I think. For me, being on medication has always made me feel horrible. But the highs and lows of bipolar aren't better. Such a dilema. What to do,... What to do,.... What to do,.....

Can't get going

Been really bad these past few months on not being able to do anything. Everyday it's a struggle just to get out of bed (which is usually around 2 in the afternoon because I didn't go to bed until 5 in the morning!). I give myself tiny goals everyday. "OK,... today all you have to do is the dishes,...." or "Today, all you have to do is laundry,..." A lot of days just finally having a shower is an accomplishment. And believe it or not, I don't even manage to get these small tasks done sometimes. It's like my body is made of wet sand. It's so heavy. And i just don't have the energy to move. It's "The Black Fog". Walking through the black fog is like trying to run through waist deep water. It's just too big of an effort so I just give up.
My days usually consist of getting up,...  making coffee and bringing it into the spare room to sit at the computer for hours on end. Checking e-mail, then twitter, and then I go to Facebook where I play "Frontierville" and a few other games for hours on end. Then I watch TV for a bit.  My mind is empty - numb. I don't want to see anyone,... talk with anyone,.... Be with anyone,... I hardly ever answer the phone. I isolate - completely.
I have one one friend, S*****.  She is the only thing that gets me out of my apartment. But not because I want to. Because shes persistent and I don't want her to know how seriously depressed I am. But even then I have to psych myself up beforehand. Nothing is ever spur of the moment. I have to make plans the day before. That way I set my alarm so I don't sleep all day. I have to make the effort to get up before noon,... shower,... and then psych myself up "to be on". To act as normal as I can. To pretend life is good. To try and fake my way into making people believe I'm a normal contributing member of society. But inside I don't even want to be bothered. The effort exhausts me. And I can't wait to get back home to lock myself in my little apartment and go back to being depressed. I'm not saying I enjoy being depressed and can't wait to do it. Not at all,... I'm saying that's my 'normal' state right now and it's what needs the least effort on my part which makes it the easier option. Having friends,... having a job,... having a normal life,... Is just too damn hard right now.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Sleep

Why can't I go to bed at a normal hour? I am up all night and sleep all day,...
Can't seem to change this pattern. And when I am awake I'm so lathargic I don't function. My whole system is fucked up.

Welcome to my World

My first post.
Today has been a blah day. What day isn't anymore? I am presently deeply depressed. I have been for all of my adult life. But it seems to get worse with each passing year. And the past two have been brutal. I am now - no longer a part of society. I have isolated. Retreated into my own existence. I am living completely in "My Black Fog"