Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The power of kindness

OMG, my Aunt called me a few minutes ago. Shes the one and only person in my life who loves me regardless of my mental illness(s). She is going through a terrible time right now with two very serious illnesses in her family. I would love to help her out but she lives 400km away and my car is off the road.
Anyway, after chatting with her for a bit I suddenly had this complete meltdown. Tears, sobbing, couldn't talk meltdown,... That is the absolute LAST think I wanted to do because she already has too much on her mind and does not need to be worrying about me on top of it all. I tried so hard, but when she said not to worry about my family and that she loves me and cares I just fell to pieces. That is what I have been wanting to hear  ~ from ANYONE~  in such a long time. Especially now with Christmas making my being alone unbearable. 
She is actually my biological Aunt from my birth family. I only met her 15 years ago and we've been very close ever since. My adoptive family knows of her but my two brothers are very angry that I have a relationship with her. But they have to understand that I lived with her (and my birth mother, grandmother and aunts and uncles) for the first 3 years of my life before being taken away by Children's aid and placed in foster care and eventually into my adoptive family. This aunt was only 11 at the time and she too was removed from the family home and put into foster care. So we have this special bond that only we understand. So i don't think its fair of my adoptive brothers to be so angry about our relationship as they don't have a clue what we have been through. 
Anyway, My Aunt (I call her Aunt D) has been there for me through everything. Through my OD's, my marriage break up, my hospitalization, losing my daughters, losing my home, losing my family,... and she has stayed with me through it all. She has been the one and only constant I have had for the past 15 years. 
I usually go to her house for Christmas day but as I mentioned earlier, this year her grandson and son-in-law are both in hospital with serious illnesses so she is kind of giving Christmas a miss this year. Just having her immediate family there and for once she is not cooking a thanksgiving dinner. It will just be a normal day as they will spend most of it at the hospital anyway. Well doesn't she tell me tonight that even with all of this going on in her life, she has offered to pay train fare for me to go there and spend a few days with her. My heart melted. But of course I can't. She has far too many serious worries to deal with me too. But I'm ok with that as it was just the thought that she would have gone out of her way to do that for me because she knows how upset I am at not being invited to my (adoptive) families homes. So even though I had this massive meltdown on the phone, I actually feel a bit better now for it. Maybe I just needed to hear that someone cared. (??)
Anyway, Massive hugs for my wonderful Aunt D! As always she knew exactly what to do and say to make my day a bit better. 
(But this doesn't mean that I'm not still devastated that my adoptive family, as well as my own children, haven't been in touch and have not included me in their plans for Christmas day - that says a lot and it HURTS a lot,.... But right now I am taking things minute by minute,... hour by hour,.... I do admit that I am still having suicidal thoughts and urges but that call from my Aunt saved me to spend yet another day here on earth. The power of kindness and caring knows no bounds,....

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