Monday, December 6, 2010

Just don't want to be here

I have been all over the place lately. I'm so depressed I can barely do the simplest of  chores. My memory seems to be none existent. I'm having a hard time taking care of myself. (paying bills, doing laundry,etc,...) I feel like I am just sinking lower into this damn Black Fog that has been suffocating me.
I want to end it all. After all, this depression is a long-term, chronic condition with me that I have been fighting for 30 years. I have no fight left. I can't take care of myself financially so just 'existing' is costing me more than I have coming in meaning I go a little bit more into debt each month. (I am so sick of creditors calling me making me feel horrible)
But the reason I just want to give up is the way I am feeling. I do nothing. I am not capable of anything anymore. I'm like this big fat ugly slug that can't move. I'm so tired. So sad. So depressed. I hate myself and my life. I'm just done.
But I just can't bring myself to do anything because I am so afraid that I will get it wrong (again) and just end up in hospital (again) and it will make my life even worse than it already is now. I don't seem to have the right pills at the moment. (nothing too strong or dangerous) so I'm pretty sure they won't do the job. But I don't know what else to do. I just want to be gone. To evaporate into non-existence. To go to sleep and have all the life drain out of me until I am gone. But I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Too scared I'll fuck up again and it won't work. I'm too scared to die but too tired and depressed and worthless to live. I am stuck. I long for someone to knock on my door and say "There there, I am here to take care of you. Physically, financially and mentally,... You just don't have to worry about anything anymore - ever" But we all know that is never going to happen. I am alone.
I am forever stuck in this limbo of hell. And all I can do about it is cry,...

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