Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Feeling so fragile

I am feeling so emotionally & mentally fragile right now. I need support from my family and friends but they are still choosing to put their heads in the sand. Apparently none of them is admitting that they know I will be alone for Christmas. In fact my brother Glen left a message on my answering  machine saying our Mom had had a minor fall in the nursing home but shes alright and then casually said hope you have a great Christmas where ever you go. My brother has always treated me like this. He's a great one for sounding happy and "up" all the time. He makes all these caring gestures when he sees me (which is rare ~ about once every year if that) but once out the door I don't hear from him again until the next time our Mom has something happen that forces us to see each other. I KNOW he KNOWS I'm alone Christmas day because my two daughters told him about 3 weeks ago. He just doesn't want me there so he plays the 'happy' game acting like he cares and is happy to hear from me etc,.. when in fact I know he tells other people I'm a loser/fuck-up. Hes so fucking PHONY!!!
My other brother hasn't spoken to anyone in our family for 15 yrs so I know he's out of the equation.
Mom is in the nursing home now (she just sold her house where I used to go every Christmas but obviously can't go to now) And my brother Glen has invited her to his house for Christmas day ~ but not me. I can't tell you how much that hurts. I mean even if he doesn't like me, do you not think he would invite me anyway for my Moms sake? So we could all be together on this day? Nope. Not only is he NOT inviting me, he is pretending he doesn't know I'll be on my own that day. Hurtful,.. painful,... very painful,....
My mental health has deteriorated over the past few months so that I am really in a fragile state right now. And just ONCE, I would like my family to care. But they don't. Because my illness is a MENTAL illness that gives them the choice to believe they don't have to be there for me. If I had cancer or something equally devastating they would be around like a flash playing the concerned family. Because I'm suffering from a deep, dark depression right now that means they're allowed to turn the other way and ignore me.
I'm so fragile,... and angry,... and emotional,.... In short, I'm a mess. All i wanted was to spend one afternoon with my family and to feel wanted and cared about. I just want a hug and a few words of support. I'm just so fucking ALONE!
(By the way, I was adopted into this family when I was 3 years old so I think I have really bad abandonment issues ~ Like I feel like I'm not REALLY apart of the family ~ So I can't decide if I'm being irrational about all of this or if I have a right to be upset and well, feel abandoned,...) I just know I'm really, really HURT!

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