Saturday, December 4, 2010

feeling on the edge

This week has been bad. I know I have been bad overall for the past 2 years but this particular week has been worse than normal. Probably the holidays. I will not be seeing my family this Christmas. In fact, I won't be seeing anyone this Christmas. (why did I move so far away?? stupid, stupid, stupid,...) Plus, my money problems are piling up and stressing me right out. I'm totally isolating so I haven't been out of my apt in days. I only go out if I need to get something (milk, etc,..) I miss my daughters so much right now that my heart actually aches. I cry all day long. I follow them on Facebook and they seem to be all cuddled up nicely in their little family without me (My ex husband, his wife and them 2) It's like they haven't even given me a thought. I'm not part of their lives anymore. I would like to think I'm distorting this and I'm just being over-sensitive but I honestly don't think I am. I really do feel that since I moved away nearly 2 years ago they just slowly dropped me out of their lives bit by bit. And I have no one to blame but myself. I hate myself. I make such stupid choices that cause bad consequences.
My (birth) Aunt who has sort of been the only steady in my life over the past 15 years has said she is 'cancelling' Christmas this year (there's two illnesses in her family right now - not life threatening illness though) but now I find out she actually is having Christmas Day dinner - I just haven't been invited this year. I think it's a case of shes just sick of my being sick and doesn't want to deal with me anymore. (although I have to say, when I am with her I always try to be upbeat and bubbly and optimistic so she doesnt' see a lot of my darkness) So this is a rejection to me.
If my car was on the road (and it could be if I just put the work I need done to it on a credit card) I have no where to go anyway. My Mom is now in a nursing home (but will be going to my brothers home Christmas day for a few hours) and my girls live with their Dad. (so I don't think there will be an invite there!!) So even if I make the 3 and a half hour drive out there, where will I take the girls? a hotel? My brother won't invite me, and now my Aunt has told me shes 'not having Christmas this year - sorry - which is her way of un-inviting me as I have gone to her house the past 10 yrs for Christmas). So, not one invite,... anywhere,... so why bother fixing the car? So not only am I sad and disappointed about not being able to see my children Christmas day,... I feel let down and hurt that no one invited me to their home. They all know I will be alone. So either they just aren't thinking about me and my plans or they really don't like me or want me to be part of their family festivities. Either way,... It's hurtful and I'm taking it very hard. REALLY hard. No one wants to feel unwanted at any time but especially at Christmas. I"M UNWANTED! No one wants me to be a part of their Christmas.
I'm heart broken. Sad. Disappointed. let down. And that makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit that no one wants.

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