Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas (tears and sadness,...)

I want so badly to write that I had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends and had a nice break from my relentless and suffocating depression. But it would be a lie. And I'm sure all of you out there are going to be rolling your eyes thinking "God, doesn't this chick ever lighten up?" And clicking to close my blog.
But the truth is, I had a horrible time. I had to hear how my family was all getting together without me. I know now why my brother didn't invite me (even though we don't get along so that should be the sole reason) but its because he invited my ex-husband, his wife and my two children to his house instead. Charming. Not only that, My Mom was there as well. So,. yes, my whole family together without me. I feel so unwanted. So disposable. So,.. so,... oh god,... I can only cry,.....
I did not receive one present. I got one phone call from my youngest daughter Christmas Eve (but not my oldest daughter) No phone call from my Mom. Or my brother. I spent Christmas Eve alone watching old movies and crying. I slept in as late as I could this morning as I just couldn't bear sitting alone knowing almost everyone in the whole world is with family opening gifts. So woke up around 10. Sat drinking coffee and snuggling with my cat for the rest of the day, again, crying,.... I'm a mess. I just did not cope well with this holiday this year. I'm not coping well at all.
I can't sleep. This depression is dark, and severe and its totally suffocating me right now. I realize its really bad today due to it being Christmas so I'm just dealing the best i can. But I know I just can't go on feeling like this for much longer. I feel alone. Lonely. Unwanted. Stupid. Fat. Ugly. and not worth the air I breath. I started this particular depression two years ago and it has gotten worse and worse over the past two years to a point where I can't see it getting any lower. I'm already at the lowest I've ever been and see no 'help' in sight.
I need a miracle.
I need my family. But apparently they don't need (or want) me.
I need to get better. But I just don't know how anymore,.... (cry,... sob,... ) Yes, I'm a pathetic mess right now and probably shouldn't have written this blog right now but I have no one to talk to and I just need to let it all out or I'll quite literally go insane.

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