Sunday, December 19, 2010

Been a few days

It's been a few days since I've written on here. It's been a bad week. The suicidal thoughts have been looming strongly in the back of my mind. I mean, really, It's Christmas and none of my family have bothered to pick up the phone to see what I'm doing. NOBODY invited me to theirs. You can't misconstrue that,... I"M UNWANTED!!!!
My Mom will be going to my brothers,... I'm not invited. My daughters will be with their Dad (he has custody) a 3 and a half hour drive away. So they can't invite me because obviously their Dad - my ex - wouldn't agree to it. So even if I did drive all the way to see them, there would be nowhere to go to spend time with them. Even my Aunt has let me know I can't go there this year. THEY ALL KNOW I WILL BE ON MY OWN! Obviously they just don't care. I must be a pretty horrible person - so totally unlikable- if no one wants to invite me - even if just for a few hours - to see them on Christmas day. No one can 'put up with me' for a few hours even????
It's so painful to know that I'm just that fucked up that my own family doesnt' want to have to deal with me. Even on Christmas day.
I thought of OD'ing but to be honest, I just don't have any 'good' drugs that would kill me. So instead, over the past week I have been taking large doses of my meds just to keep me NUMB! Enough that it lets me sit staring at the TV with no feeling at all. I can't bear to FEEL right now. Much, much too painful,.... So I dope myself up and veg,... And I will continue to do this until the holidays are over. I can't wait until the new year so I can just put this whole stupid holiday season behind me.
So as you can probably guess I am quite angry at my family right now. I'm angry, hurt, and terribly sad and disappointed. Why have they chosen to just ignore me even when they know I am alone??? It breaks my heart.

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