Tuesday, November 2, 2010

When It Rains It Pours

I am so disappointed. I have been trying to find the money I will need to move when my lease is up here in March. (1st & last months rent & the cost of hiring movers) but despite trying everything I can think of nothing has panned out. I don't have the money to move. I will not be moving. I WILL NOT BE MOVING! I am devastated. I can't afford to stay in this apartment anymore as its gotten too expensive. And I'm three and a half hours away from my daughters and two hours drive away from my Mom,... I wanted so much to move close to them so I could start seeing them more. I hardly get to see them at all right now and when I do I have these marathon drives that exhaust me for days after I return. I'm devastated.
I won't get into all the money problems I'm having except to say they are getting really grim and I am starting to panic because I have no idea what to do or where to turn to get by anymore. I'm scared. I've never been in this much financial trouble before. Using the food bank, cancelling a lot of my services,... blah, blah, blah,..
And I am worried about my mental health right now. I have been off of all medication since June and I plummet into this dark and severe depression that I'm having a hard time coping with. I mean I am paralyzed. I am not functioning at all. It's getting beyond what I've ever faced before. I see my psychiatrist on Nov 8th ( 7 days) so I'm hoping to get on meds then. But I'm not sure what to do until then.
As you may have read in my last post I have been fighting suicidal thoughts. I thought of going to the ER and checking myself into hospital but I don't know anyone here in town and I have a cat I can't leave alone for more than 3 days and you know what its like once they've got you in the hospital.... It's up to THEM when your well enough to leave and my poor cat would be dead of starvation by that time.
So I sit here in my apt and wait. I try and stay on the computer so I can at least connect with my twitter/blog friends who even though they can't help they do get me through with staying in touch. (I'm sure we all know what that's like - Thank God for this virtual community!)
I am so tired right now. I'm not sleeping. So my body is exhausted and I feel 'ratty'. (or Buzzy as I like to call it if anyone knows what I mean). I am rambling now but I'm so tired. And I'm a bipolar NOT on meds -LOL - OK, not so funny. In short, I am unravelling,....
So I am going to go to bed now and with any luck I will finally get some sleep. And then maybe I'll feel a lot better in the morning because of it.

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