Monday, November 8, 2010

Well, I finally had my long-awaited appointment with my Psychiatrist today. I have been quite unwell the past few months. Oh alright,…a lot unwell. So where do I even begin?
The first thing he decided is that I definitely need to be back on medication. No surprises there then. I have just plummet hard into this dark and soul-less place ever since I stopped taking my meds. I was so worried about my liver and being so stoned all the time that I just felt it was better to be ‘clean’ of all medication in my body. But he quickly reminded me that severe depression can be life threatening and the freedom of being off of meds is no good to me what-so-ever if I’m not actually alive to enjoy that feeling of being “stoned-free”  (ok, not a real word but you get the picture). So, It’s back on the Seroquel. 50mg for the first 4 days,… 120mg for the next four days,… 200mg the following 4 days and so on until I reach a maximum of 400mg a day. I’m still a bit reluctant of going back on Seroquel because it really does make me completely, unfunctionable, can’t keep my eye-lids open, stagger around my apartment -  stoned! But, at almost half the dose of my past amount (700) I’m going to be optimistic and try it.
The second thing he decided is that I need to be in hospital. I pretty much new that myself  but unfortunately it really isn’t an option for me because I have no one here to look after things for me. I have Maggie-May (my cat) to look after, my bills to be looked after, my rent to be paid, my cheques to be deposited,etc,… you know, the everyday stuff that just needs to be done and wouldn’t have if I had to spend many weeks in hospital. I don’t have any family close to me so they can’t help and really there’s only J*** & S***** that I’m friends with here in St. Thomas but I don’t know them well enough to be asking them to do all that, so really,… going into hospital just isn’t an option.
So we compromised.
He has got me to start going to a couple of classes/programs that are run here at the Psych hospital.  One is a depression support group once a week. Not overly exciting but I suppose it will help. The other program is much more detailed and delves much deeper into things. I’m not entirely sure exactly what it is really. But it sounds like a womans group that helps with self esteem issues and dealing with the bad things we do because of the way we hate ourselves. (like binging, starving, cutting etc,…) This one seems the most promising for actually doing some work on myself. I think he said its every day for 9 weeks or something. It will mean having to get up every morning, shower and (gasp!) put on make-up! It will mean a commitment to showing up everyday. My Doctor has said if he hears I am not going consistently (meaning EVERY DAY) then he will arrange to put me IN the hospital which I cannot let happen. So I will have to force myself to go. The two hour orientation is Wednesday so I will learn a lot more about it then.
On the one hand, I’m kind of relieved as I know I am really unwell and I know I needed some serious help. I know that this is a good thing for me and it will help me in getting better. But on the other hand, I’m dreading it. One of the problems I’m having right now is I can’t seem to integrate and be around people. I have isolate myself into this little cocoon of my apartment and I don’t come out unless it’s absolutely necessary. I have a difficult time interacting with people at the moment so I just keep myself to myself and stay alone. It’s where I feel safe right now. Being “out there” in society terrifies me. Too much noise. Too much stimulation. Too much of everything that I can’t seem to cope with right now. It’s honestly going to be quite scary to have to ‘get back out there’. I was hoping that I would have been able to do it at my own pace. Baby steps. But apparently not. So this,… this just terrifies me.
But over the past few months, things have hit a crisis point. At least this time I was able to get to my Doctor and explain everything and ask for the help. I’ve never really ‘asked’ for help when I’ve needed it before. (we won’t get into what I did do instead,…not good) My Doctor reminded me that being pro-active in wanting myself to recover is a big step. And this time, I took the step ‘forward’ - not backward (destructive) so I guess that proves there’s hope inside me yet. It’s just a matter of digging deep to find what it is I need to do in order to get better.
I know the money problems will still be a huge issue. But, I can’t cope with a lot at the moment so I’m going to have to just ignore all that and concentrate just on this program and getting well. I realize I will need to put the gas for my car everyday on my credit card. I know I will still have to rely on the food bank. But I think if I just take one issue at a time it won’t be so over-whelming to me. Debt is debt and it will always be there,… whether I do the program or not the problem with money will remain the same regardless so I may as well just forge ahead and put everything I’ve got into beating this horrible disease of mental illness and getting to a better place where hopefully I can even get back to working once again. (although my doctor has told me not to count on that until at least the spring) But that’s ok I guess. It’s a goal.
So that is where things stand at the moment. I dare not think too far ahead so from here on in it will be day-to-day. I will try to write on here as often as I can but I know from past programs they leave me exhausted and drained emotionally at the end of each day so no promises. I just ask that you all keep me in your prayers.

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