Sunday, November 21, 2010

Pissed off today

I have been awake all night again. My sleeping issues becoming somewhat of a tedious problem to me now. So, having been awake all night I feel rather 'ratty' and exhausted to begin with. But another feeling I have today is that I am pissed off. Not at any one thing in particular - just my whole life in general. I'm so tired of it all. For the past year I have been a depressed mess. But today, for some reason, I'm an angry, depressed mess. EVERYTHING is irritating me. I think I am finally at the point where I am just fed up of my life. I'm fed up of being such a fucked up mess that I cant even hold down a job to support myself. I'm fed up of not even being able to go into a grocery store and choose the foods that I want to eat. Right now I'm using the food bank and even though I'm grateful (really - I really AM grateful) I am just so sick of boxed or canned food. What I wouldn't do for meat or fresh fruit and veg. I'm also fed up that I don't have enough money coming in to cover the cost of existing so I go deeper into debt each passing month just to pay my necessities. I didn't ask to need feminine napkins or toothpaste or soap or shampoo. I certainly don't get a kick out of buying them. There necessities. I'm fed up of living 300 km away from my daughters and not having the money to move closer. I'm fed up of always feeling so depressed. I'm fed up of living my life inside these four walls of my apartment for days and days on end without ever going outside. I'm fed up of being mentally ill. I'm fed up of society punishing me for being mentally ill. I'm just fed up of living altogether. No one should have to live a life of depression, poverty, misery and loneliness. And so, I'm just pissed off in general. I am so sick of myself.

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