Monday, November 29, 2010

Nov 29th ~ It's here

It has arrived. November 29th ~ The anniversary of my twin baby boys birth way back in 1989. They were born premature. Air-lifted by ambulance to a hospital in Toronto. The died that same week. They would have been 21 this year. I know its a long, long time ago. But it's still a hard day for me. I still remember it like it was yesterday. Planning a funeral only weeks before Christmas. No one should have to be buying caskets and grave plots while everyone else is buying Christmas gifts. Cruel,...
I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts and urges and I have always said that if I'm going to finally do it, It will be on November 29th. It's already a terrible day. And here it is. And yes, I am still suicidal.
I also got my heart broken when I saw my daughters Facebook page today. She is doing that "30 pictures of,..." thing where they say "Day 1,.. someone you love,... Day 2,... your favorite pet,..etc,..." and you post a pic of your answer. Two weeks ago it was "something that you will never forget" and she posted a pic of an ambulance (no explanation to go with it) but I know it refers to me Overdosing in 2008 while she lived with me. i don't know what I was thinking. obviously I wasn't thinking because she came home from work and found me unconscious and called an ambulance. (I nearly died but pulled through and then spent a month in hospital) How I could have done that to her I don't know. I was obviously very sick. But seeing that pic on her profile drove home just how much it had effected her. traumatized her probably. That's something I can never forgive myself for. Never. (she was only 17 at the time and still in high school)
And then today,... the picture was of "Something you cherish and are thankful for" and she posted a pic of her Dad, step-mom and sister. with the caption "I couldn't live without my family" ~ ouch! stab to the heart,... I just realized that she thinks her family is her Dad, step-mom and sister and I'm not. I am NOT considered family to her. I just broke down crying. Ended up sobbing uncontrollably. My daughters are the only thing I have left in my life right now and to suddenly realize that I'm not as important to them as I thought really, really hurt. It broke my heart that she put her step-mom in their (who she hated for years) and I wasn't even mentioned. I just became a heap on the floor.  My baby girls do not think of me as family,... devastating. I can't lie,... I just wanted to run to my 'drug box' and swallow as many pills as I could and just die. But I didn't. I'm still devastated,... but I didn't take any pills.
I'm thinking that M******* probably has no idea how much she upset me with that. She probably hasn't thought twice about it. And I'm clinging to the hope that she does still consider me her family. (I'm her MOM,... her MOM!!!!) So, for my own sake I am going to believe that she didn't mean to hurt me. That she just didn't think I would even notice or care (But I do!!! ~ sob ~ I do care,...) That is the only way I am going to make it through today. because if I thought for one minute my daughters didn't love me and think of me as family I would be gone,.... those pills would be gone - down my throat - in an instant. So I choose to believe they do love me.
What I want to do to get through this horrible day is to just go back to bed and sleep it away. But I just had a marathon sleep. As previously posted I have been having problems with the seroquel I take as it makes me stoned so bad I sleep all the time. Yesterday I went to sleep at 1:00 pm in the afternoon and I didn't wake up until 9:00 the next morning. That's 20 hours. TWENTY hours!!!! Now I'm not tired so I will have to stay up and endure this day. 
God, my heart is broken right now,.... 

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