Saturday, November 27, 2010

Lost & Empty

I am feeling so lost and empty right now. I mean I don't want to do a thing. Usually in my normal deep depression I still manage to twitter/blog & facebook and watch a bit of TV. My one pass time has always been Frontierville on Facebook. It's a mind-numbing ~ no brainer thing to do to pass the time. I don't have to make decisions or think in anyway at all. I just take my mouse and click, click, click,... Feed the animals,... harvest the crops,... collect your bonuses from all the stupid buildings you've accumulated over the past 6 months of playing this silly game. My daughter got me hooked when she visit over the summer. At first it was a cute way to feel connected to her once she left to go back to live with her Dad. We could visit each others "Homesteads", send each other "gifts" -- It was kind of fun. But I got hooked. I even set up a separate Facebook account so I could have "two" Frontierville games. Then, my daughter didn't want to play anymore so asked me to take over her account. So now I am playing 'three' accounts. But it passed the time and kept me distracted enough to just exist in my life rather than deal with the many problems I should be tackling but aren't. (mostly $$$$ problems) Besides I really was just too damn depressed to be capable of doing anything else. It really has been a BAD two years for me. Dark, dark, dark,.... Frontierville let in a wee slit of light that I grabbed on to. It was one of the last things I did that kept me connected to "the outside world".
But over the past few days I have just found it monotonous and annoying. I would open up the game and then just sit looking at it blankly. Ughh,... what am I doing? Suddenly, out of nowhere - absolutely no interest in this game what-so-ever anymore. In fact, over the past few days I have absolutely no interest in anything anymore. I open Facebook to check out what everyone is up to. I open twitter to do the same. And I blog to try and hold on to my sanity by letting out all my fears and frustrations that stem from this mental illness, in the only release I have available. My blog.
But for a lot of this week I haven't even had any interest in that. Today I have not even managed to turn the TV on. Or the radio. I have skimmed my Internet sites and then turned off the computer. All this week I pretty much ended up getting up out of bed everyday only to be so depressed I got right back into it again. Into my horrible "Black Fog" - I'm so lost. And empty. But most of all I'm sad and I'm very, very lonely and alone.

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