Thursday, November 4, 2010

It's like walking through syrop

God, I seem to be getting worse instead of better. The past few months It's like I've been walking blindly through syrup. I just can't get the smallest of tasks done anymore. If I managee a shower I'm having a good day. If I do the dishes,.. It's a goal accomplished!!! I mean really,... this is just down-right pathetic!
But, I will trudge through until my doctors app't on Monday. My P-Doc is going to be a bit surprised because I (and hopefully I will not chicken out) be telling him some TRUTHS! He has no clue I took myself off of the 700mg of Seroquel way back in June. I just stopped. I was so stoned I couldn't keep my eye-lids open and of course that meant I couldn't get out of bed. I actually slept 16-18 hours a day! But Doctors don't understand how horrible it is to lead your life when your so overly medicated you can't function. So I just did it. Then of course, I plummet downhill fast and landed in a cesspool of dark, paralyzing depression.
So, knowing I had done wrong by just stopping all meds I gradually started back on them but only 100mg a day (a teeny amount of my prescribed dose). And that is where I am right now.
But if you've been reading my blog you will know that it was discovered I have liver damage now. My Family Doctor discovered this during routine blood work before a minor surgery I had in September. So My P-Doc knows nothing about this right now. I will be giving him this cheery news on Monday when i see him. No one is saying how I got the liver damage but we all know its 30 years of medication. probably the last two of the high doses of Seroquel but no one wants to admit anything at this point.
So I'm in a position where I am really worried about taking anything now so I don't do anymore damage to my liver, but on the other hand, obviously I am NOT doing well on NO medication. Not doing well at all.
In fact I am now finding myself holding on by the skin of my teeth until Monday. I have been fighting very strong suicidal urges so I have been telling myself that if I can just hold on until Monday we can tell the Doc everything and hopefully start over again. If I can just hold on until Monday I can go back on meds. If I can just get back on meds I will start to feel better. At least theres some small ounce of logic tucked away in this tortured brain of mine. If there wasn't, I wouldn't be here to write this now.
But Oh the wait,... I just feel dreadful. I am full of self-loathing hating everything about myself. The depression is suffocating me. It's weird because on the one hand I feel totally empty - nothing,... sit on the couch for hours and hours - paralyzed,....   But on the other hand,... I'm so emotional. But not with good emotion. I cry constantly. I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I am enveloped with my "Black Fog". I am feeling very un-balanced right now.
I cling to my computer because even though I refuse to integrate into 'real life' (I am practically a full-fledged hermit) I long for human contact. Twitter & Face Book & Blogging are perfect for me. No commitment. Say what I have to say and then hide. I can read and follow and feel connected to all of you but don't have to integrate at all. It's safe. It makes me feel less lonely and alone but on my terms if that makes sense. I guess I need to know that even though I'm not out in that world, I still need to know its there,... and that its waiting for me when (and if) I finally start to come out of this horrible depression. My family and friends don't understand this at all. How could they possibly if they've never been clinically depressed. It's impossible to understand. That is why I treasure my computer and the virtual friends that don't ask questions,... They're just there,....
Anyway, writing this has exhausted me so I am done.
I just have to get to Monday,.... I just have to get to Monday,.... I just have to get to Monday,.....

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