Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I pulled a Britney

Monday morning I "pulled a Britney" meaning I cut off all my hair. Because of my financial state I haven't been able to afford the simplest of luxuries and one of those luxuries is a haircut. It's been well over a year since I've had it cut so It was all the way down to my waist. But it looked awful because it had no style or shape to it. It was just a long, curly, frizzy out of control mess. So Monday I marched, credit card in hand, to the local super Clips (cheap-o hair salon) and told the girl to cut it all off. She did. And now its chin length. I looked in the mirror and it was a shock. My hair hasn't been this short in over 10 years. But, even though it's going to take a while to get used to it looking like this, It hasn't taken me long to get used to caring for it. Now it's great. I just ran a brush through it and walked away. Such a relief.

But while my new hair is a good thing,... taking Seroquel once again isn't,.... I am getting worse and worse with each passing day on it. I feel completely drunk all the time. I stumble around my apartment. I have marks and bruises all over me because I'm constantly knocking into walls and furniture. And it makes me sleep all the time. I went to bed at around 5:00pm (dinnertime) Monday night and I didn't wake up until 8:00pm Tuesday night.  That means I slept for  27 hours!!! Ridiculous! I can't get stuff done anymore because I'm either passed out or so lethargic I can't move.  My Mom is in the hospital right now in a hospital 300km away. It's too far to visit but I should phone. Problem is, I'm always asleep during the respectable hours for phoning anyone. I'm only awake late nights to early mornings. She must be upset she hasn't heard from me. But what do I tell her? Um,... I haven't called you because I've been sleeping,.... That's pathetic. I mean really pathetic. I'm a terrible daughter. I'm a terrible mother for that matter too. I'm a terrible sister and niece and friend. It's why I'm alone and have no one anymore. I'm such a loser.

The anger of the past few days seems to have left me. (as well as the violent thoughts thank God - they were scary) But that just means I'm back to feeling so depressed I can't move. I feel so hopeless. So useless. So empty. There doesn't seem to be any purpose to my being alive so I'm constantly wondering why I am. The holidays coming up has just made things so much worse. I won't be seeing my family this year. My car isn't up to the long drive right now. It hasn't had an oil change in over 7 months plus theres some other stuff that needs fixing to make it road-safe. But even if it were theres no where to go this year. mom sold the family home to move into her retirement home so I have no where to bring the girls to have Christmas anyway. So I'm quite disappointed about that. Now I just want this whole holiday season to just disappear. It hurts too much to deal with it. I can see a lot of tears in the next few weeks. I'm just so fucking sad about everything.

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