Sunday, November 7, 2010

I made it to Monday

My sleeping is horrible. The past few days,... slept for 17 hours - - then I was awake for 20 hours - - then I was asleep for 19 hours - - And now I've been awake for 10 hours. But I FINALLY have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow at 4:00pm. Thank God it's late in the afternoon because I am wide awake right now (at midnight) so I know I won't get to bed/sleep until early morning. 5 - 6 - or 7:00am even,.... I really hate this erratic sleeping issue I have. I don't understand why I'm like this. It's impossible to have a social life because I'm sleeping when most people are awake and vise versa,... I sleep so long sometimes I miss a whole day. I'm awake so long sometimes I get all buzzy (like I've had 23 cups of coffee in a row). I have been locked up in my apartment for days. I rarely go out unless I absolutely have to. Like for an appointment or getting food, etc,... I've become a recluse. I've had sleeping 'issues' for years and years and years so I don't hold out much hope that I'm ever going to change now. I'm 47 years old and this has been going on since I was a teenager. It was hell when I worked. Luckily when I still worked in the medical clinic I worked the 5:00pm to 2:00am shift so it was the closest thing to 'comfortable' for me. (I'm definitely a night owl - Can't handle morning at all!!) But the late hours we were open for walk-in appointments usually meant I got all the drug-seekers, etc,... so my shift was the worst patient-wise. (But I still loved it) I HATE, HATE, HATE this sleeping problem!!!!!!
But, after a few long weeks of suicidal thoughts & urges that I've been fighting like mad, I have made it to my "November 8th" doctors app't. All month it's been like a mantra in my head. Just get to Nov. 8th,... Just get to Nov. 8th,... Just get to Nov. 8th,.... And finally it is here. I can now tell my Doctor that I need to get back on medication. I have never in my life knew with such a doubt that I can never live without medication again. It's horrible. I am so severely depressed. Fighting suicide is hour to hour. I still feel suicidal tonight but I have to tell myself that I've waited so long that I can wait another 14 hours. I can't believe I'm saying this but I can't wait to get back on medication!!!!! (I've been off meds since June except 100mg of seroquel every few days - I'm so erratic taking it)
So wish me luck everyone. Give me the strength to tell my doctor everything. Usually I go in and feel like I'm taking up too much of his time and never really tell him how bad things are. I have a terrible time with male Doctors. For some reason I can't tell them anything personal. But there are no female P-Docs at this hospital so I just have to take a deep breath and tell him.
I will hopefully blog again tomorrow after my app't and let you know how it went.

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