Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I cry as I write this

I'm so fucking low right now. I was holding on by a thread to get to my Nov 8th app't with my P-Doc so I could get back on meds so I could finally start feeling better from this dark, dark, black fog depression. But its not working. Not only am I still so depressed I'm fighting suicidal thoughts and urges, Now I'm completely stoned out of my head on top of it all.
I stopped going to the program I was so excited about. Couldn't afford the gas or the $7.00 a day parking. I also just can't stay awake long enough to go anywhere or do anything. I am also so stoned I don't feel safe driving anymore.
So my hopes for a better life have been crushed. This was the last stop. Back on meds,... It has failed. I feel like shit.
I don't want to be here anymore. Life is just too fucking hard anymore. No money, going deeper and deeeper into debt each passing month, can't even afford food so have to use the food bank,... can't afford to move,... (1st & last months rent plus the cost of moving company) No way I can work being this fucked up. No friends,... family could care less and never call. I spend my days alone. Day after day after fucking day,... alone,....I never leave my apartment. I never see anyone.  I'm going insane.
This is just a slow, torturous death,.... when will it finally be over????????

No comments: