Sunday, November 21, 2010

Feeling angry

I don't know why other than I am feeling so fed up with my life, but I am really angry today.
And because of this I'm finding myself reverting to something I haven't done in a long time. I want to cut. But not in a nice slow, savoring way,.... I want to be violent and really cut myself. Like take my scalpel (that I stole from my last job in a medical clinic) and just hack at myself until I really hurt and really bleed.
And I'm noticing that my suicidal thoughts are turning violent too. normally I am an "Overdose with pills" girl. Trying to OD about half a dozen times in the past 10 years. But each time proved futile and I always woke up in the hospital with more of my life ruined because of it. Obviously the OD'ing on drugs isn't working for me. And lately I've been fantasizing about not only taking the drugs, but adding something more final to it. Like jumping off my 6th floor balcony after taking too many pills (so I would be too drugged to feel it hurt). But this is a quiet building with a lot of seniors in it so I worry about it causing too much trauma to the people who live here for them to see something awful like that. So then I went to jumping off a bridge we have here in town that is about the same height so no doubt would be fatal. Or hanging myself (but what do you tie the damn rope too that's strong enough to hold you?) or the worst and most violent way of taking a load of pills so I am so drugged I won't feel the pain and then stabbing myself in the stomach with a huge sharp knife.
WHY am I thinking these thoughts????? What changed that made me go from peaceful drug overdose to violent, horrible ways of committing suicide??? Is this a temporary thing? Will I wake up tomorrow feeling calmer and not so angry and then stop thinking of violence in any form to myself? I am not a violent person at all normally. I've never, nor would I ever, hurt another human being. But suddenly hurting myself has become all consuming in my thoughts. Is it the anger? Is it being back on meds? (although I was on them for 2 years previously and didn't think these thoughts) or am I truly just fed up with life and just at the end of my rope in dealing with it and just want to get it over with?????  All of this is rather scary. For the moment, I am rational. I know exactly what I'm doing and thinking and therefore won't act on these thoughts. But, will there come a time when I won't be rational and I will act on these thoughts???
God, I hate this depression. And my life. And myself. I just wished I would vaporize into a non-existent mist and never have to feel this hopeless and worthless ever again.

**** Please don't be worried over this entry ~ I am just being truthful about what I'm thinking. I would never carry through on these thoughts. I am NOT going to commit suicide ****

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