Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Bad time of year

November & December have always been a bad time of year for me. (As I've been reading it is for millions of other too,...)
November 29th is the birthday of my twin sons I had in 1989. They were born premature and sadly they only lived within a month of their birth. Both dying on separate days right during the holiday build up. I had to plan a double funeral the week before Christmas. On Christmas morning there were gifts under the tree for them. Neither me or my (ex) husband had the heart to remove them until we took the tree down. I was 26 yrs old and it had taken me 8 years to get pregnant with them so it was a devastating loss. (Luckily I fell pregnant soon after and in the end had 2 lovely daughters who are alive and well and beautiful)
Then of course theres Christmas. And this year especially will be a bad one. My 82 yr old Mom just sold the family home and moved into a retirement home. (My father passed away 7 years ago) This is a problem for me. My ex-husband has custody of my daughters. The eldest (20) is actually away at college, but the youngest (16) lives with her Dad and step-mom 300km away from me. In the past, I always picked the girls up and we then spent a few days at my Moms house celebrating Christmas. But now that Mom sold the house, I have nowhere to bring the girls for the holidays. They both have jobs so they don't get enough time off from work for me to pick them up (3 and a half hour drive) drive them back to my apartment here in St. Thomas (another 3 and a half hour drive) just for them to be here for a couple of days and then have to do all that driving once again to bring them home. So with nowhere to go with them I just won't be seeing my daughters this holiday. Devastating!
Also, I have really fallen on hard times this past year and I honestly don't have a penny to spend on holidays. So, if I'm not seeing my girls anyway, I have decided to just basically cancel Christmas this year. I just can't face it alone but that's the way it will be,... me,... alone,... again,... (I spent the last two years alone on Christmas day having celebrated with my girls a few weeks prior to the actual day) And let me tell you,... It's brutal. Everything is closed. The roads are nearly empty. There is just this 'desolation' about the whole day when you go outside. So quiet. The TV is full of Christmas related programing, the radio plays Christmas music,... Theres just no escaping what day it is. So to be alone for the whole day is heart-breaking. Last year I took a few sleeping pills (ok quite a few) the night before so I could purposely sleep most of the day away. It was just a tiny bit easier.
So I am NOT looking forward to December at all. I now know why the suicide rate sky-rockets this time of year. It's just so damn depressing when your alone. I wished I could just take sleeping pills all the time and just sleep through the whole damn month.
Then December 28th is my anniversary. or it would have been (our 25th too!)  if I was still married. My husband left me (because of my illness) on January 1st 2000. Happy Fucking Millennium to me. He totally broke my heart. I ended up having 4 Overdose attempts in that year alone. He had taken my daughters and I was left with no marriage, no kids, and we sold the house so nowhere to live. Ended up in my Moms basement but after my last OD she said she couldn't take it anymore and had me leave. So I lost my family too. It was 5 years before my Mom and I even spoke again. I didn't see her, my daughters, or my brother or anyone for 5 years!!! So that was very traumatic for me. It really was a horrible, devastating time. So I spent a LOT of holidays alone.
So, here we are, gearing up into the months of hell I just can't seem to cope with. Starting November 29th and ending January 1st. It's nothing but a reminder of what a huge fuck up - failure I am. I fight suidical urges hourly. And this year seems to be even worse because of the poverty I've fallen in. Using the food bank,... what kind of Christmas dinner can I look forward to? Beans on toast (again, and again and again,...so sick of beans!!) No, I am so not looking forward to any of whats to come.
I hate myself,... I hate my life,.... and I especially hate Christmas. I used to be a regular Church going christian and Christmas meant something to me. Now, with everything that's happened in my life I am pretty pissed off at God and even wonder if there is one. So Christmas doesn't have any meaning to me anymore. It's just another day to do whatever I can to get it done and over with as soon as possible.
It's going to be just awful.

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