Sunday, October 31, 2010

Wrote the "letter" but didn't do it

I seem to be quite down now. Most of my day I am so depressed I can't drag myself off of the couch. I at least try and have a shower everyday as that usually kick-starts me into doing something else like the dishes or laundry. But today the shower was all I managed to motivate myself to do.
I'm so tired of this. Friday night I actually sat down and wrote the "sorry to you all" letter and was ready to end it all. I actually felt better and calmer after I wrote it. Like the decision was made and I knew there would finally be an end to all this depression.
But, I didn't take the pills. Have no idea why. Just spent the rest of the night on the couch feeling comfortable because I knew they were right there in front of me and I was free to take them at any time. I just didn't take them.
And over the weekend I have been in this very gloomy, melancholy, sad, blah mood. In fact I am so sad and exhausted and full of nothingness that I didn't even have the energy to kill myself.
And tonight, two days later, I still feel very lethargic and sad but I have made the decision to not kill myself. I have managed to talk to my 'logical' self and remind myself that I have been off of medication for a long time now and once I go to the doctor on Nov 8th only a week from now I will tell him all this and he will get me back on medication and within the month I know I will start to feel a bit better.
Yes, for now I can't even stand to live in my own body. But I just have to tell myself that this depression will lift enough that I will want to live again.
Not much else I can say really. Besides, I'm too numb and empty to blog

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