Friday, October 8, 2010

Hurt & Frustrated

I'm so hurt & frustrated right now. I know I have to move when my lease is up in March (or I'll be evicted) but I don't have the money to move. First & last months rent plus the cost of movers. I have moved 6 times in the past 10 years so I know all about the stress and cost of moving. This will be my 7th move since 2000.
So, I bit the bullet and swallowed my pride and called my mother to ask her for some help. She just sold her (mortgage free) home that she has lived in for over 45 yrs so I know she has got money from that. She is moving into a retirement home in 3 weeks which is exactly what she needed to do as shes 82 yrs old and in bad health so the house was too much for her.
My brother (yes, the brother that hates me and makes no bones about letting me know that) is 'taking care of everything' for her. I was upset that neither her or him decided to let me know any of these plans until they were done. I found out after the decisions were all made. OK, knowing I'm oversensitive I decided to chalk that one down to me being paranoid. But tonight after I asked my Mom to help and she said no, I then learned that she just GAVE her car to my brother. No money. Just GAVE. OK, it's my Moms car and shes entitled to do with it as she pleases but my brother is a tool & die mechanic and makes great money and is living a very good life. I, on the other hand, am going through a really bad patch and could use a bit of help right now. But it now looks like I'm not going to get any. When questioning my Mom on stuff like where her furniture's going, etc,... she was pretty evasive and didn't want to talk about it.
Now, I'm not going to get into my family history here because its a long history.  But my brother is all about MONEY. That's all hes after. When my Mom lay waiting for her triple bypass surgery four years ago, my brother had the nerve to hand her a piece of paper and pen and ask her to write a will excluding our other brother. I was gob-smacked. Not only at the timing but at his selfishness. (My other brother excluded himself from the family 10 yrs ago so no one really has contact with him, but still,...) Luckily, she refused. Now I'm finding out that my brother has been convincing my Mom that me and everything that goes with me and my illness is just too much drama for her so she needs to just cut me out. This was not said in so many words but very apparent none the less. My mother doesn't do anything now without my brothers say so. He is definitely running the show.
He is also upset with me because I am adopted and I had the 'audacity' to have a relationship with my biological Aunt over the past 15 yrs. He now feels I'm not 'really' a part of their family anymore if I could do that to them. I strongly believe that everything he does is calculated to getting his hands on money. I despise him.
I LOVE my mother. I was obviously disappointed and upset that she chose not to help me when I so desperately need the help right now. But I'm not angry at her. I love her. I am more upset that I have been left out of all the family decisions. I'm not feeling like I'm part of the family anymore. And that's what hurts. My Mom is old and frail and can't really deal with a lot so I don't blame her in the least. But I am sad that she has chosen to allow it. I've been her daughter for 45 yrs and for the past 7 I have felt like an outsider. It's an absurd thing to say but right now I feel like an orphan. That I have no family. The only family I have right now are my two daughters. (16 & 20 who live 300 km away). I guess I'm pretty heart-broken about it all.
My brother can take advantage of her financially all he wants to. I don't want her money. I want HER! I want her to love and care for me like she did when I was a kid. And I'm so gutted that that will never happen. I love her. I miss her. But she is gone to me now. And that breaks my heart.
When I got off of the phone with her tonight I immediately broke into tears. And the 'illness' in me impulsively had me wanting to run for pills. I mean I have just had enough of everything. The money problems, the worry of moving out of here before they evict me, (but not actually having the money to move) to use the food bank, missing my daughters,... Owing the government, owing credit card companies, I mean this has been building up for a long time and I was now at my wits end. A person can only take so much & I'm just done with it all.
So, instead of pills I got in my car and I drove and drove and drove. I ended up at the edge of town and got out of my car and went for a walk on a well known bridge for hikers. I actually stopped and contemplated just jumping off. It would all end then. No more worry,.. no more stress,... It would all be over. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I tucked my tail between my legs for being such a coward and drove home. I then cried for an hour.
But I'm still in turmoil. I still don't see an answer to my problems that stress and panic me so much. I still don't want to go on anymore. I just want peace. I haven't felt peace in my heart for a very long time.
So that's where I am right now. Fighting myself. Distracting myself with everything I can to get myself through this.  

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